smile, its the second best thing you can do with your lips
sex is like air, its not important unless you aren't getting any.
never take life seriously. nobody gets out alive anyways
if vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
no guts, no glory, no brain, same story.
cocaine is gods way of telling you you make too much money.
lite beer is like making love in a canoe-fucking close to water.
if quiters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool that first said "quit while you are ahead"?
if you don't die from it it is healthy.
never sleep with anyone crazier than you.
everybody should believe in something-i believe i'll have another drink.
it is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
if everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is going on.
sex is like snow. you never know how many inches you are going to get, or how long it will last.
one good turn gets most of the blankets
there is no difference between a wise man and a fool when it comes to love.
it is better to be looked over than to be overlooked
women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.
why is there a lock on the door to 7-11? it is open 24 hours a day.
if con is the opposite of pro, then would the opposite of progress be congress?
duct tape is like the force-there is a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
there are three kinds of people. those who count and those who can't.
it is not what a teenager know that bothers his parents. it is how he found out!
since blue and white is the international sign for handicapped, what does that say about the iowa licence plates?
my homework is like a juicy steak-rarely done.
there are two kinds of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.
if elvis were alive right now, he'd be scratching at the inside of his coffin.
life is sexually transmitted
everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die.
an unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
if at first you dont succeed-give up! no use being a damn fool.
time is natures way of making sure that all the shit doesn't happen at once.
falling in love is awfully simple. falling out of love is simply awful
all things being equal, you lose.
you can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool mom.
no job is so simple that it cannot be done wrong
you can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles.
everything is possible except skiing through revolving doors.
disco is to music what the etch-a-sketch is to art.
the sum of the intelligence on the planet is constant, but the population is increasing
Fundamental law of the universe. nothing travels faster than a bouncing check.
the man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on