Amusing Quotes

  • smile, its the second best thing you can do with your lips
  • sex is like air, its not important unless you aren't getting any.
  • never take life seriously. nobody gets out alive anyways
  • if vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
  • no guts, no glory, no brain, same story.
  • cocaine is gods way of telling you you make too much money.
  • lite beer is like making love in a canoe-fucking close to water.
  • if quiters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool that first said "quit while you are ahead"?
  • if you don't die from it it is healthy.
  • never sleep with anyone crazier than you.
  • everybody should believe in something-i believe i'll have another drink.
  • it is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
  • if everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is going on.
  • sex is like snow. you never know how many inches you are going to get, or how long it will last.
  • one good turn gets most of the blankets
  • there is no difference between a wise man and a fool when it comes to love.
  • it is better to be looked over than to be overlooked
  • women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.
  • why is there a lock on the door to 7-11? it is open 24 hours a day.
  • if con is the opposite of pro, then would the opposite of progress be congress?
  • duct tape is like the force-there is a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
  • there are three kinds of people. those who count and those who can't.
  • it is not what a teenager know that bothers his parents. it is how he found out!
  • since blue and white is the international sign for handicapped, what does that say about the iowa licence plates?
  • my homework is like a juicy steak-rarely done.
  • there are two kinds of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.
  • if elvis were alive right now, he'd be scratching at the inside of his coffin.
  • life is sexually transmitted
  • everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die.
  • an unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
  • if at first you dont succeed-give up! no use being a damn fool.
  • time is natures way of making sure that all the shit doesn't happen at once.
  • falling in love is awfully simple. falling out of love is simply awful
  • all things being equal, you lose.
  • you can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool mom.
  • no job is so simple that it cannot be done wrong
  • you can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
  • only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles.
  • everything is possible except skiing through revolving doors.
  • disco is to music what the etch-a-sketch is to art.
  • the sum of the intelligence on the planet is constant, but the population is increasing
  • Fundamental law of the universe. nothing travels faster than a bouncing check.
  • the man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on