The following is an actual excerpt from this month's Forbe's > >>> Magazine: A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest > >>> buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest > ones > >>at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for > the > >>> herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is > >>> maintained by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the > >>same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain > >cells > >>> through which the electrical signals pass. > >>> Recent epidemiolgolical studies have shown that while alcohol kills > off > >>> brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. > Thus, > >>> regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, > constantly > >>> making the brain a faster more efficient machine. The result of this > in > >>> depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all weekend > >>> parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a > few > >>> short years of leaving a university and getting married, most > >>professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. > >>> Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic > >>> consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve > >>> during their college years. This is a call to arms. As our country is > >>> losing its technological edge, we must not shudder in our homes. Get > back > >>> into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to > be > >>> at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you > could > >have. > >>> Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be. > >>Forward > >>> this to all of your friends, acquaintances, and co-workers > >>> that might be in danger of losing their edge.

Journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines."

A BEAR STORY

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some *religion*!"
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, Lord, for the food I'm about to receive...."

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

  • Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
  • Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
  • Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
  • Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
  • Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
  • Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
  • Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
  • Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
  • Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
  • Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
  • Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
  • Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
  • Solution: "Evidence removed."
  • Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
  • Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
  • Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
  • Solution: "Live bugs on order."
  • Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
  • Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
  • Problem: "IFF inoperative."
  • Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
  • Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
  • Solution: "That's what they're there for."
  • Problem: "Number three engine missing."
  • Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

    Actual Newspaper Headlines collected by actual "journalists" 1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Farmer Bill Dies in House 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 9. Stud Tires Out 10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again 13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms 15. Eye Drops off Shelf 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead 18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax 21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told 22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death 23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree 25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies 26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter 27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years 28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One 29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84 30. War Dims Hope for Peace 31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge 35. Deer Kill 17,000 36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge 38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy 42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire 43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply 44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees 46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies 48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing 49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing 50. Air Head Fired 51. Steals Clock, Faces Time 52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff 53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumn 54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board 55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction 57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training 58. Include your Children when Baking Cookies

    Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-depependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schiophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

    Attn: IRS Enclosed is my 1998 tax return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch phillips head screw.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. Sincerely, A satisfied taxpayer

    There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all,... this was a very delicate matter! After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!! He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!

    One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"