MALE BASHING JOKES - What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted. - What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds Mature. - What is the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish. - What did God say after creating man? I can do better. - Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what? - Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. - I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain. - What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention. - What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind. 2. No business. - How is a man like a snowstorm? Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay. - Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover? He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal. - Why are men like laxatives? They irritate the shit out of you. - What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist. - Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing. - If men got pregnant ... abortion would be available in convienience stores and drive through windows. - Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions. - Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because they already have boyfriends. - Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics? He had it bronzed. - Why do men like masturbation? Its sex with someone they love. - How do some men define Roe vs. Wade? Two ways to cross a river. - What is gross stupidity? 144 men in one room. - Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it? Wife: You wear briefs, don't you? - What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette? The porcupine has pricks on the outside. - How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove. - What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard. - How do men sort their laundry? "Fifthy" and "Filthy but Wearable". - Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it. - Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. - Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. - Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, "how sad - a dead bird." The other man looked up and said, "Where?" - Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom? To keep the swellin down.

THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE BASHING JOKES > > > > How many men does it take to open a beer? > > None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. > > > > Why do women have smaller feet than men? > > So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. > > > > How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? > > When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." > > > > How do you fix a woman's watch? > > You don't. There is a clock on the oven. > > > > Why do men pass gas more than women? > > Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. > > > > All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell > > them apart.. > > > > What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? > > A woman that won't do what she's told. > > > > What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? > > Divorced. > > > > Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. > > > > Scientist have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by > > 90%. Wedding Cake. > > > > Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, > > Suffering. > > > > Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" > > I said, "Dust!" > > > > In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. > > Then God created Man and rested. > > Then God created Woman. > > Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

The 5 questions most feared by men are: 1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat? 4. Do you think she's prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses. Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you" Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads. b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who, me? Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not" Among the incorrect a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've seen fatter. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not". Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality. b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner. c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age. d. Define pretty. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines: WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) MAN: (makes audible groan) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them, she's left-handed. WOMAN: - - - silence - - - MAN: shit