THE CONSTITUTION OF LOVE WE, THE LOVERS OF THE HEART, IN ORDER TO FORM A MORE PERFECT KISS, ENABLE THE MIGHTY HUG, AND TO PROMOTE TO WHOM WE PLEASE, BUT PLEASE THE ONE WE KISS. ARTICLE #1-STATEMENT OF LOVE-THE KISS 1. ON THE HAND---I ADORE YOU 2. ON THE CHEEK---JUST FRIENDS 3. ON THE NECK---I WANT YOU 4. ON THE LIPS---I LOVE YOU 5. ON THE EAR---JUST JOKING 6. ANYWHERE ELSE---DON'T GET CARRIED AWAY!!!!! 7. LOOKING INTO YOUR EYES---KISS ME 8. HANDS ON THE WAIST---I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO LET YOU GO ARTICLE #2-THE THREE STEPS 1. GIRL---IF A BOY GETS TOO FRESH, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SLAP HIM 2. BOY---IF A GIRL SLAPS YOU, KISS HER 3. BOY AND GIRL---CLOSE YOUR EYES, IT'S RUDE TO STARE ARTICLE #3-THE THREE COMMANDMENTS 1. THOU SHALT NOT SQUEEZE TOO HARD 2. THOU SHALT NOT ASK FOR A KISS, THOU SHALT TAKE ONE 3. THOU SHALT KISS ON EVERY OPPORTUNITY ARTICLE #4-MUST 1. AFTER READING THIS, YOU MUST KISS THE PERSON WHO GAVE YOU THIS UNLESS THEY ARE OF THE SAME SEX. ARTICLE #5-CONSEQUENCES AFTER READING THIS, YOU MUST MAKE 7 COPIES IN SEVEN DAYS TO SEVEN PEOPLE, OR YOU WILL HAVE 7 YEARS OF BAD LUCK. REMEMBER... A PEACH IS A PEACH, A PLUM IS A PLUM, A KISS AIN'T A KISS, WITHOUT SOME TONGUE. SO OPEN YOUR MOUTH, AND CLOSE YOUR EYES--- AND GIVE YOUR TONGUE... SOME EXERCISE!!!!!!!!!

WIFESPEAK: ENGLISH TRANSLATION GUIDE WIFESPEAK ENGLISH EQUIVALENT --------- ------------------ You want. You want. We need. I want. It's your decision. The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want. You'll pay for this later. We need to talk. I need to complain. Sure...go ahead. I don't want you to. I'm not upset. Of course I'm upset, you moron. You're...so manly. You need a shave and you sweat a lot You're certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever think about? I'm not emotional! And I'm not I'm on my period. overreacting! Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house. I want new curtains. and carpeting, and furniture... I need wedding shoes. the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white. Hang the picture there. No, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise. I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? I did something today you're really not going to like. I'll be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful. You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? [Too late, your dead.] No No Maybe No Yes No I'm sorry. You'll be sorry. Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it. I'M NOT YELLING! Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. In answer to "What's Wrong?" The same old thing. Nothing. Nothing. Everything. Everything. My PMS is acting up. Nothing, really. It's just that you're an a**hole. I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I'm still building up steam

This is really one "for the guys" to help with those difficult questions, however, a female here at work thought that it was good info for women to know so therefore I pass it along to them as well. Just in case you (read:women) have/will ever ask/ed any of the 5 said questions of a man. The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers The five questions are: 1 - "What are you thinking?" 2 - "Do you love me?" 3 - "Do I look fat?" 4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 5 - "What would you do if I died?" What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example: 1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things: a - Basketball b - Football c - How fat you are. d - How much prettier she is than you. e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died. According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking." The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers: 2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include: a - I suppose so. b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c - That depends on what you mean by "love". d - Does it matter? e - Who, me? 3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include: a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. b - Compared to what? c - A little extra weight looks good on you. d - I've seen fatter. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include: a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things. c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke: "Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of couse not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my old clothes?" "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."

Dictionary of Dating

  • ATTRACTION the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
  • LOVE AT 1st SIGHT what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
  • DATING the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
  • BIRTH CONTROL avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphram, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
  • EASY a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
  • EYE CONTACT a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
  • FRIEND a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
  • INDIFFERENCE a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man as "playing hard to get."
  • INTERESTING a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
  • IRRITATING HABIT what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
  • LAW OF RELATIVITY how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
  • NYMPHOMANIAC a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
  • SOBER condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love

    Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women and What They Really Mean

  • 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance")
  • 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are a jurassic geezer.)
  • 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
  • 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I'm waiting for a richer sugar daddy.)
  • 6. I've got a boyfriend. (I've got a vibrator.)
  • 5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)
  • 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
  • 3. Im concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and un-fulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
  • 2. I'm celibate. (One look at you and I'm ready to swear off men altogether.)
  • 1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in EXCRUCIATING detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)