YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .

  • You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
  • You can live without sex but not without glasses
  • Your back goes out more than you do
  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
  • You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
  • Your are proud of your lawn mower.
  • Your best friend is dating someone half his age..... and isn't breaking any laws.
  • You call Olan Mills before they call you.
  • Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
  • You sing along with the elevator music.
  • You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
  • You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
  • You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
  • You make an appointment to see the dentist
  • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  • Neighbors borrow your tools .
  • People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
  • You have a dream about prunes.
  • You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"
  • You send money to PBS.
  • You still buy records, and you think a CD is a certificate of deposit.
  • The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
  • You take a metal detector to the beach.
  • You wear black socks with sandals.
  • You know what the word "equity" means.
  • You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
  • Your ears have more hair than your head.
  • You talk about "good grass," and you're referring to someone's lawn.
  • You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
  • You got cable for the weather channel.
  • You can go bowling without drinking.
  • You have a party, and the neighbors don't even realize it.

    Generation X Jargon

  • Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
  • Beepilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
  • Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles.
  • Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one's own name.
  • Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
  • Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators running.
  • Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.
  • CLM (Career-Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
  • Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've just made a big mistake.
  • SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
  • Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.
  • Tourists - those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs -- "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."
  • Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
  • World Wide Wait - The real meaning of WWW.
  • Weally Wong Wait - The meaning of WWW to a guy with a speech impediment.
  • CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
  • Dorito Syndrome - Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
  • Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an on-line service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."
  • Glazing - Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"
  • Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."
  • Graybar Land - The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."
  • Open-Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute.
  • Squirt The Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"
  • Cobweb Site - A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page.
  • It's a Feature - From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
  • Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."
  • Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Martin, he's the alpha geek around here."
  • Adminosphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminosphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
  • Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.
  • Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
  • Chainsaw consultant - an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands
  • 404 - someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located -- Don't bother asking him, he's 404
  • Elvis year - the peak year of something's popularity -- Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993.
  • Startup Syndrome - a condition that exists when people use their job at a startup company as an excuse to blow off social engagements so that they can work out or smooz with their co-workers instead.

    You know you are an E-mail Junkie when...

  • 1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
  • 2. You get a tatoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher.
  • 3. You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom.
  • 4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  • 5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap ... and your child in the overhead compartment.
  • 6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
  • 7. You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.
  • 8. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
  • 9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. ... And you succeed.
  • 10.You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
  • 11.You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
  • 12.You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com."
  • 13.All of your friends have an @ in their names.
  • 14.Your cat has its own home page.
  • 15.You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
  • 16.You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
  • 17.Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
  • 18.You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
  • 19.You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
  • 20.You tell the cab driver you live at "http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html."
  • 21.You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

    "SIGNS YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS"

  • 10. NO CALLS FROM SALESPEOPLE PUSHING MCI'S FRIENDS AND FAMILY PLAN
  • 9. YOU GO TO A VIDEO STORE AND SAY OUT LOUD TO YOURSELF, "WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO RENT TONIGHT?"
  • 8. YOU SEND BIRTHDAY CARDS TO THE MEMBERS OF THE MCLAUGHLIN GROUP
  • 7. YOU ARE ONE OF THE FIVE BEST SOLITARE PLAYERS IN THE WORLD
  • 6. YOUR INITIALS ARE G.S., AND YOU OWN A MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM IN THE BRONX
  • 5. AT YOUR FUNERAL, THE ENTIRE EULOGY IS, "YEP. HE'S DEAD."
  • 4. HAVING A SUPER BOWL PARTY MEANS DRESSING UP YOUR DOGS IN SWEATERS AND TYING THEM TO THE FURNITURE
  • 3. JAMES TAYLOR SINGS THE FIRST FEW BARS OF "YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND,"NOTICES YOU IN THE AUDIENCE, AND STOPS
  • 2. YOU'RE STILL DRINKING FROM SAME KEG YOU BOUGHT ON NEW YEAR'S EVE 1987
  • 1. ALL YOUR PHONE CALLS START WITH "976"

    WHY COFFEE IS BETTER THAN WOMEN

  • 1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.
  • 2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.
  • 3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
  • 4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
  • 5. You can always warm coffee up.
  • 6. Coffee comes with endless refills.
  • 7. Coffee is cheaper.
  • 8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.
  • 9. Coffee never runs out.
  • 10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
  • 11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.
  • 12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
  • 13. You can smoke while drinking coffee.
  • 14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.
  • 15. Coffee smells and tastes good.
  • 16. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.
  • 17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.
  • 18. You can always get fresh coffee.
  • 19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back.
  • 20. They sell coffee at police stations.
  • 21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
  • 22. Coffee goes down easier.
  • 23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
  • 24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
  • 25. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.
  • 26. Your coffee doesn't talk to you.
  • 27. Coffee smells good in the morning.
  • 28. Coffee is good when it's cold too.
  • 29. Coffee stains are easier to remove.
  • 30. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.
  • 31. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.
  • 32. Coffee doesn't shed.
  • 33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
  • 34. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.
  • 35. Coffee doesn't mind being ground.
  • 36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.
  • 37. Coffee doesn't have a time of the month... it's good all the time.
  • 38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
  • 39. When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your throat.
  • 40. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
  • 41. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.
  • 42. INSTANT COFFEE!
  • 43. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
  • 44. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.
  • 45. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.

    101 Ways to Be Annoying

  • 1.Signal Left; Turn right.
  • 2.Help fools part with their money.
  • 3.Practice the art of limp handshakes.
  • 4.Pay tolls with $50 bills.
  • 5.Give little kids clothes for their birthday.
  • 6.Talk with your hand over your mouth.
  • 7.Fire people over the phone.
  • 8.Wear jeans to a wedding.
  • 9.Ask people what they paid for their clothes.
  • 10.Don't sign your checks.
  • 11.Rake leaves into your neighbors yard.
  • 12.Develop a convienient memory.
  • 13.Remind people that their freckles could be cancerous.
  • 14.Ask people how much they make.
  • 15.Leave the concerts during a solo or before the clapping starts.
  • 16.Leave price tags on presents.
  • 17.Blow out other people's birthday candles.
  • 18.Assume everyone agrees with you, but keep trying to convince them.
  • 19.Pledge moeny that you won't send.
  • 20.Reserve compliments for people who can do you some good.
  • 21.Touch the paintings at museums.
  • 22.Threaten lawsuits.
  • 23.Gamble with rent money.
  • 24.Tell people they are in your will even if they aren't.
  • 25.When giving directions leave out a turn or two.
  • 26.Remind people who loose their job they probably should have worked harder.
  • 27.See what it takes to get the lifeguard to blow the whistle.
  • 28.If you have to give blood, at least make a show of it.
  • 29.Tuck a twenty dollar bill or two in with your driver's license, so a trooper will get the hint.
  • 30.Make jokes about terrorists at the boarding gate.
  • 31.Put a title like Senator or Doctor before your name when making reservations.
  • 32.Don't do anything until you have been asked twice.
  • 33.Tell people what you expect them to give you for your birthday.
  • 34.Focus on winning and to hell with how you play the game.
  • 35.Free cable TV is a shady electrician away.
  • 36.Send smutty birthday cards to your inlaws.
  • 37.Announce when you intend to go to the bathroom.
  • 38.Borrow handkercheif's to blow your nose.
  • 39.Curse at the umpire in a little league game.
  • 40.If you do something nice, make sure everyone knows about it.
  • 41.Bribe kids, they are easy.
  • 42.Support the death penalty for parking violations.
  • 43.Lie to your therapist and sit in their chair.
  • 44.Leave your shopping cart online at the checkout, then go shopping.
  • 45.Quote Adolf Hitler.
  • 46.Tell teenagers how things were in your day.
  • 47.Vividly describe a hysterectomy when the entree arrives.
  • 48.Scrawl your signature on important documents.
  • 49.Sit in the home team bleachers and cheer for the other team.
  • 50.Make fun of men who cry.
  • 51.Make up statistics to convince people when arguing.
  • 52.Open gift checks at weddings and announce the amount.
  • 53.Recommend untrustworthy automechanics.
  • 54.Refuse collect calls from your family.
  • 55.Alternately raise and lower your voice to make people question their hearing.
  • 56.Be known for you sesquipedalianism.
  • 57.Don't tell vegetarians about any meat in the food you prepare.
  • 58.Call your friends during the SuperBowl to talk about your problems.
  • 59.Tape record all of your phone conversations and play them back for friends.
  • 60.Have a "Clergy on Call" sign made for your front windsheild.
  • 61.Dance fast to slow music and vice versa.
  • 62.Don't stand during hymns and anthems.
  • 63.Open the casket for "one last look".
  • 64.Get into heated arguments about the weather.
  • 65.Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus.
  • 66.Whistle a happy tune - over and over.
  • 67.Give out your friends' unlisted numbers.
  • 68.Forget the punch line, but don't let that stop you from telling jokes.
  • 69.Tell your blind that they aren't up to what you were told.
  • 70.Make your kids stand at attention every morning.
  • 71.Put a too cute message on your answering machine.
  • 72.Support the death penalty - for parking violations.
  • 73.Be ambiguous; It lets you work both sides of an issue.
  • 74.Crash private meetings with a big smile on your face.
  • 75.When it says, "Reserved Parking," that means you.
  • 76.Develop at least three strategies for cutting to the front of lines.
  • 77.Give yourself a title like "Senator" or "Doctor" when making hotel reservations.
  • 78.Jump into every photograph you can.
  • 79.Ask your parents and grandparents how much they intend to leave you.
  • 80.Withdraw "taxes" from your kid's piggy bank.
  • 81.Serve fish with the head still attached.
  • 82.Touch strangers.
  • 83.Get up early and take your neighbors newspaper.
  • 84.Complain about daylight savings time, long after the switch.
  • 85.Feed the animals in the zoo, they especially like Crackerjacks.
  • 86.Ask people how they are, but don't wait for a response.
  • 87.Remind friends of stupid things they did ten years ago.
  • 88.Cover your furniture in plastic and never clean it again.
  • 89.Drive fast and as near the sidewalks as possible.
  • 90.Ask if the present is returnable.
  • 91.Say the coffee is decaf when it isn't.
  • 92.Give distances in kilometers.
  • 93.Tell everyone that they should be in therapy.
  • 94.Flirt with a friend's spouse.
  • 95.Keep asking, "Are we there yet?"
  • 96.Eat out with friends and "forget" your wallet.
  • 97.Get light bulbs from the hall when you need them in your apartment.
  • 98.Don't sign your greeting cards.
  • 99.Make fun of all accents.
  • 100.Always suspect an evil plot.
  • 101.Brush dandruff off of other people's shoulders.

    FOURTEEN EASY WAYS TO SAY "NO!"

  • 01) I HAVE TO FLOSS MY CAT
  • 02) THE PRESIDENT SAID HE MIGHT DROP BY
  • 03) THE MAN ON TELEVISION TOLD ME TO STAY TUNED
  • 04) I DID MY OWN THING AND NOW I HAVE TO UNDO IT
  • 05) I HAVE TO GO TO THE POST OFFICE TO SEE IF I'M STILL WANTED
  • 06) I'M TRYING TO SEE HOW LONG I CAN GO WITHOUT SAYING YES
  • 07) MY PATENT IS PENDING
  • 08) I'M ATTENDING THE OPENING OF MY GARAGE DOOR
  • 09) I'VE COME DOWN WITH A REALLY HORRIBLE CASE OF SOMETHING OR OTHER
  • 10) I HAVE TO FULFILL MY POTENTIAL
  • 11) I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE MY COMFORT ZONE
  • 12) IT'S TOO CLOSE TO THE TURN OF THE CENTURY
  • 13) MY SUBCONSCIOUS SAYS NO
  • 14) I LEFT MY BODY IN MY OTHER CLOTHES

    The Beavis and Butt-Head Turd List

    BH: "I love to take a dump, huh huh huh. It like, gives me a special feeling down there, huh huh"
    B:"Hmm heh yeah hmm m heh... Uh... What do you mean?"
    BH: "You dumbass."
  • GHOST TURD: The kind where you feel the turd come out, but there isn't any turd in the toilet.
  • CLEAN TURD: The kind where you crap it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
  • WET TURD: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin your paints with a stain.
  • SECOND WAVE TURD: It happens when you're done craping and you've pulled up your pants to your knees and you realize that you have to crap some more.
  • POP A VEIN IN YOUR HEAD TURD: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
  • RICHARD SIMMONS TURD: You crap so much you lose 30 pounds.
  • LINCOLN LOG TURD: The kind of turd that is so huge that you're afraid to flush it without breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
  • GASSY TURD: It's noisy and everyone within earshot is giggling. "That's cool" - Butt-Head
  • DRINKER TURD: The kind of turd you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread marks on the bottom of the toilet.
    BH: "Hey Beavis, have you ever drank a beer?"
    B: "Uh... yeah, hmm heh."
    BH: "Oh yeah? Where'd you get it from?"
    B: "This like, uh, guy gave it to me."
    BH: "Liar. You've never drank a beer."
    B: "Shutup Butt-Head!"
  • CORN TURD: Self-explanitory.
  • "GEE, I WISH I COULD TURD" TURD: It's the kind where you want to make a turd but all you do is sit on the toilet cramped and fart a few times.
  • SPINAL TAP TURD: "Tap is cool" - Beavis That's where it hurts so bad coming out you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
  • WET CHEEKS TURD (the power dump): The kind that comes out of your butt so fast your cheeks get splashed with water.
  • LIQUID TURD: The kind where yellow-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
  • MEXICAN FOOD TURD: It smells so bad that the bathroom must be condemmed.
  • UPPERCLASS TURD: The kind that thinks their turd doesn't smell.
  • FISHERMAN'S BOBBER TURD: The kind where you are in a public restroom, there are two people waiting on you stall, you crap and flush 2 times, but several golfball size pieces are still floating above the water line.
  • AMBUSH TURD: This kind never occurs at home, but usually at a party or while playing golf. It's the result of trying to fart just a little, but you end up with trower chili and you have to walk bow-legged for the rest of the day.
  • CAT TURD: Thin turds like the kind that cats leave in the garden.
  • KAMIKAZE TURD: The kind that seems to leave your butt before you get to the toilet.
  • NowAndLater TURD: You turd some now and save some for later.
  • APRIL FOOL'S TURD: The kind that feels like a Lincoln Log Turd but turns out to be a bobber.
  • RABBIT TURD: A bunch of pellets.
  • GUILLOUTINE TURD: The kind you cut in half before your done.
  • LAVA TURD (FIRE ASS): Slight burning sensation.
  • TWO WAY TURD (Surf and Turf): This usually occurs when your sick and you puke and turd at the same time.
  • MOSS TURD: Usually associated with the runs and looks like pond scum on top of the water.
  • CATFISH TURD: The kind that floats on the bottom of the bowl.
  • STEALTH TURD: Doesn't make a sound. The kind you hope for in a public facility.
  • TAGGER TURD: When you leave your mark on the back of the toilet bowl.

    74 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN 1. You can enjoy a beer all month. 2. Beer stains wash out. 3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer. 4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car. 5. When beer goes flat you toss it out. 6. Beer is never late. 7. HANGOVERS go away. 8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. 9. Beer labels come off without a fight. 10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer. 11. Beer never has a headache. 12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime. 13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath. 14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head. 15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty. 16. A beer ALWAYS goes down easy. 17. You can share a beer with your friends. 18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer. 19. A beer is always wet. 20. Beer doesn't demand equality. 21. A beer doesn't care when you come. 22. You can have a beer in public. 23. A frigid beer is a good beer. 24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good. 25. Beer always comes in multiples of six. 26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left. 27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer. 28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle. 29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty. 30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another. 31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod. 32. Beer looks the same in the morning. 33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month. 34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in. 35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids. 36. Beer doesn't get cramps. 37. Beer doesn't have a mother. 38. Beer doesn't have morals. 39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month. 40. Beer always listens and never argues. 41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year. 42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles. 43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet. 44. Beer doesn't demand legality. 45. Beer is never overweight. 46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony. 47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards. 48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer. 49. Beer doesn't need much closet space. 50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things. 51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive. 52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch. 53. Beer never changes its mind. 54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get. 55. Beer never asks you to change the station. 56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping. 57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass. 58. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks. 59. Beer is always easy to pick up. 60. Big, fat beers are nice to have. 61. Beer doesn't pout or play games. 62. Beer NEVER says no. 63. Beer is easy to get into. 64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere. 65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers. 66. Beer doesn't wear a bra. 67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty. 68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity. 69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper. 70. Beer doesn't live with its mother. 71. Beer doesn't blow you off. 72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners. 73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry. 74. Beer doesn't mind football season.

    113 Reasons Why Cucumbers Are Better Than Men 1. A cucumber a day keeps the ob-gyn away. 2. A cucumber can always wait until you get home. 3. A cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family. 4. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower. 5. A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move. 6. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library. 7. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hair spray. 8. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat. 9. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet. 10. A cucumber never has to call "the wife". 11. A cucumber never leaves the toilet seat up. 12. A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety. 13. A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet. 14. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind. 15. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning. 16. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator. 17. A cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?". 18. A cucumber won't ask for a transfer just when you're up for promotion. 19. A cucumber won't ask to be put through Medical school. 20. A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. 21. A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer. 22. A cucumber won't consume all your food or liquors. 23. A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival. 24. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn or send you out to get Milk Duds. 25. A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow. 26. A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon. 27. A cucumber won't give it up for Lent. 28. A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while you're asleep. 29. A cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised catholic, jewish, or orthodox vegetarian. 30. A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve. 31. A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy. 32. A cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore. 33. A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot. 34. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over. 35. A cucumber won't need to be sucked off. 36. A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache. 37. A cucumber won't run off with a cheerleader or an ex-nun. 38. A cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy.". 39. A cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy blonde. 40. A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually. 41. A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter. 42. A cucumber won't want to come on your face. 43. A cucumber won't want to join your support group. 44. A cucumber won't wear shorts to your office party. 45. A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink. 46. with a cucumber, you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the flu season. 47. All cucumbers are fresh and juicy. 48. At a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat. 49. Cucumbers are very easy to pick up. 50. Cucumbers aren't into leathers and chains, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits and nuts. 51. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations. 52. Cucumbers aren't jealous. 53. Cucumbers can get away any weekend. 54. Cucumbers can handle rejection. 55. Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot. 56. Cucumbers can't count to "10". 57. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. 58. Cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold. 59. Cucumbers don't get too excited. 60. Cucumbers don't have sex hangups. 61. Cucumbers don't jam the freezer with food you don't like. 62. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor. 63. Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow. 64. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month. 65. Cucumbers don't mind if you enjoy them and a movie at the same time. 66. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves. 67. Cucumbers don't tell you they like you better with longer hair. 68. Cucumbers never asnwer your phone or borrow your car. 69. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers. 70. Cucumbers never have mid-life crisis. 71. Cucumbers never have to tell you what they did while on vacation. 72. Cucumbers never need a round of applause. 73. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom. 74. Cucumbers stay hard for a week. 75. Cucumbers won't give you a hickey. 76. Cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest. 78. Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub. 79. Cucumbers don't care if you are a virgin. 80. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin. 81. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore. 82. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin. 83. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them. 84. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall. 85. It's easy to drop a cucumber. 86. No matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke and eat it too. 87. No matter what age group you are in, you can always get a fresh cucumber. 88. Nobody calls you a bigot for having a favorite kind of cucumber. 89. The average cucumber is at least seven inches long. 90. The cucumbers you raise don't desert you. 91. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it. 92. With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry. 93. With cucumbers you don't have to be a virgin more than once. 94. You always know where YOUR cucumber has been. 95. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle. 96. You can keep as many cucumbers as you want. 97. You don't have to wait until halftime to talk to your cucumber. 98. You only eat cucumbers when you feel like it. 99. Your mother won't flip out finding a cucumber in your house. 100. A cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey." ... and then come home with the smell of Channel No. 19 on him. 101. Cucumbers don't stay up until 4 and then demand that you take care of them when they get sick ... But on the other hand, cucumbers stay up ALL THE TIME. 102. Cucumbers won't ask about your last lover ... or speculate about your next. 103. With a cucumber you can get a single room ... and you won't have to check in as "Mrs." Cucumber. 104. You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket ... and you know how firm it is before you take it home. 105. You can go to movie with a cucumber ... and see the movie. 106. A cucumber will never leave you for... (a) another woman. (b) another man. (c) another cucumber. 107. A cucumber never... (a) snaps your bra. (b) pinches your butt. (c) gives you a snuggy. 108. A cucumber will never... (a) contest a divorce. (b) demand a property settlement. (c) seek custody of anything. 109. Afterwards, a cucumber won't... (a) want to shake hands and be friends. (b) say, "I'll call you a cab.". (c) tell you he's not the marrying kind. (d) tell you he is the marrying kind. (e) call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist. (f) take you to confesion. 110. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your... (a) gynecologist. (b) ski instructors. (c) tennis instructors. 111. Cucumbers won't ask... Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times? 112. Cucumbers won't make you... (a) wear kinky clothes. (b) go to be with your boots on. 113. You won't find out later that your cucumber... (a) is married. (b) is on penicillin. (c) likes you, but loves your sister. (d) likes you, but loves your brother. (e) trying to screw your sister. (f) has AIDS.

    14 reasons friends are better than lovers 1. Good audience when you want to rehash fond memories of ex-lovers. 2. Good audience when you want to trash current lover. 3. Don't leave underwear on your bedroom floor. 4. Can develop the closest of relationships without ever demanding that you meet their parents. 5. Will never buy you tacky lingerie and try to palm it off as a serious present. 6. When they say they're going to call, they usually do, and if they don't, it doesn't really matter. 7. If they drink too much cappuccino after dinner or neglect to cut their toenails, so what? 8. Will listen to you cry, agonize, bemoan, regret and yearn without looking as if they wished they could slip you into a nice little straitjacket. 9. Will listen you talk about your period or gynecologist's visit without looking as if they are about to faint. 10. Own jewelry and makeup you might want to borrow. 11. Can tell you if your jewelry or makeup looks stupid. 12. Rarely feel threatened when you want to drive. 13. Instant understanding of the words LIAM NEESON. 14. Can make you feel that you're a woman. 14 reasons lovers are better than friends 1. Can inspire pleasant, spine-tingling, knee-weakening sensations just by being in the same room. 2. When your back itches, don't think twice about scratching right up there under your shirt and bra. 3. Provide entree inot the traditional world of coupledom. 4. Tongue-kissing, toe-nibbling orgasms for two. 5. Believe you're gorgeous without ever considering whether your skirt is the right length, your hair needs fresh highlighting, or your lipstick is this year's color. 6. Superior to friends when you want to shut up and dance, shut up and fool around or just shut up. 7. Excellent candidates for advancement to the role of husband. 8. You can exploit their sexist socialization by assigning them such tasks as opening ketchup bottles, changing tires, and taking out the garbage. 9. Will never borrow your favorite dress and "forget" to return it. 10. If you want to have a baby, may want to be its father. 11. Make good cheerleaders for your softball team. 12. Useful for psyching out your brother, your best male friend, the guy with whom you're negotiating a $3 million deal. 13. Useful for reminding you that you havea a body as well as a mind. 14. Can make you feel that you're wonderful simply because you're a woman. -Glamour, August 1996

    The Biggest Lies

  • The check is in the mail.
  • I'll respect you in the morning.
  • I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.
  • It's only a cold sore.
  • You get this one, I'll pay next time.
  • My wife doesn't understand me.
  • Trust me, I'll take care of everything.
  • Of course I love you.
  • I am getting a divorce.
  • Drinking? Why, no, Officer.
  • I never inhaled.
  • It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
  • I never watch television except for PBS.
  • ..but we can still be good friends.
  • She means nothing to me.
  • Dont worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
  • I gave at the office.
  • Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.
  • I'll call you later.
  • We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.
  • Read my lips: no new taxes
  • I've never done anything like this before
  • Now, I'm going to tell you the truth
  • It's supposed to make that noise.
  • I *love* your new !
  • ..then take a left. You can't miss it.
  • Yes, I did.
  • Don't worry, it's OK -- I'm sterile.

    This was sent to me... read it.... LIFE!! Life isn't about keeping score. It's not about how many friends you have. Not about if you have plans this weekend or if you're alone. It isn't about who you're dating, who you used to date, how many people you've dated, or if you haven't been with anyone at all. It isn't about who you have kissed, it's not about sex. It isn't about who your family is or how much money they have. Or what kind of car you drive. Or where you went to school. It's not about how beautiful or ugly you are. Or what clothes you wear, what shoes you have on, or what kind of music you listen to ... It's not about if your hair is blonde, red, black, or brown. Or if your skin is too light or too dark. Not about what grades you get, how smart you are, how smart everybody else thinks you are, or how smart standardized tests say you are. It's not about what clubs you're in or how good you are at "your" sport. It's not about representing your whole being on a piece of paper and seeing who will "accept the written you." LIFE JUST ISN'T ... But, life is about who you love and who you hurt. It's about who you make happy or unhappy purposefully. It's about keeping or betraying trust ... It's about friendship, used as a sanctity or a weapon. It's about what you say and mean, maybe hurtful, maybe heartening. About starting rumors and contributing to petty gossip. It's about what judgments you pass and why ... And who your judgments are spread to. It's about who you've ignored with full control and intention. It's about jealousy, fear, ignorance, and revenge. It's about carrying inner hate and love, letting it grow, and spreading it. But most of all, it's about using your life to touch or poison other people's hearts in such a way that could have never occurred alone. Only you choose the way those hearts are affected, and those choices are what life's all about.

    LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK 1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP 2. BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER 3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY 4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT 5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER 6. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG 7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT 8. IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY 9. IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE 10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER 11. SHE WON'T GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR DICK 12. IF YOU GO IN HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT 13. WHILE YOUR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS 14. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, ZIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE 15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER 16. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER 17. DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL 18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION 19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL 20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER 21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!