YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN . . .
Generation X Jargon
You know you are an E-mail Junkie when...
"SIGNS YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS"
WHY COFFEE IS BETTER THAN WOMEN
101 Ways to Be Annoying
FOURTEEN EASY WAYS TO SAY "NO!"
The Beavis and Butt-Head Turd List
74 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN 1. You can enjoy a beer all month. 2. Beer stains wash out. 3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer. 4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car. 5. When beer goes flat you toss it out. 6. Beer is never late. 7. HANGOVERS go away. 8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. 9. Beer labels come off without a fight. 10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer. 11. Beer never has a headache. 12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime. 13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath. 14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head. 15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty. 16. A beer ALWAYS goes down easy. 17. You can share a beer with your friends. 18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer. 19. A beer is always wet. 20. Beer doesn't demand equality. 21. A beer doesn't care when you come. 22. You can have a beer in public. 23. A frigid beer is a good beer. 24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good. 25. Beer always comes in multiples of six. 26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left. 27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer. 28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle. 29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty. 30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another. 31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod. 32. Beer looks the same in the morning. 33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month. 34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in. 35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids. 36. Beer doesn't get cramps. 37. Beer doesn't have a mother. 38. Beer doesn't have morals. 39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month. 40. Beer always listens and never argues. 41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year. 42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles. 43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet. 44. Beer doesn't demand legality. 45. Beer is never overweight. 46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony. 47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards. 48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer. 49. Beer doesn't need much closet space. 50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things. 51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive. 52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch. 53. Beer never changes its mind. 54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get. 55. Beer never asks you to change the station. 56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping. 57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass. 58. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks. 59. Beer is always easy to pick up. 60. Big, fat beers are nice to have. 61. Beer doesn't pout or play games. 62. Beer NEVER says no. 63. Beer is easy to get into. 64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere. 65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers. 66. Beer doesn't wear a bra. 67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty. 68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity. 69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper. 70. Beer doesn't live with its mother. 71. Beer doesn't blow you off. 72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners. 73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry. 74. Beer doesn't mind football season.
113 Reasons Why Cucumbers Are Better Than Men 1. A cucumber a day keeps the ob-gyn away. 2. A cucumber can always wait until you get home. 3. A cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family. 4. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower. 5. A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move. 6. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library. 7. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hair spray. 8. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat. 9. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet. 10. A cucumber never has to call "the wife". 11. A cucumber never leaves the toilet seat up. 12. A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety. 13. A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet. 14. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind. 15. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning. 16. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator. 17. A cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?". 18. A cucumber won't ask for a transfer just when you're up for promotion. 19. A cucumber won't ask to be put through Medical school. 20. A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. 21. A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer. 22. A cucumber won't consume all your food or liquors. 23. A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival. 24. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn or send you out to get Milk Duds. 25. A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow. 26. A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon. 27. A cucumber won't give it up for Lent. 28. A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while you're asleep. 29. A cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised catholic, jewish, or orthodox vegetarian. 30. A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve. 31. A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy. 32. A cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore. 33. A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot. 34. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over. 35. A cucumber won't need to be sucked off. 36. A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache. 37. A cucumber won't run off with a cheerleader or an ex-nun. 38. A cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy.". 39. A cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy blonde. 40. A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually. 41. A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter. 42. A cucumber won't want to come on your face. 43. A cucumber won't want to join your support group. 44. A cucumber won't wear shorts to your office party. 45. A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink. 46. with a cucumber, you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the flu season. 47. All cucumbers are fresh and juicy. 48. At a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat. 49. Cucumbers are very easy to pick up. 50. Cucumbers aren't into leathers and chains, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits and nuts. 51. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations. 52. Cucumbers aren't jealous. 53. Cucumbers can get away any weekend. 54. Cucumbers can handle rejection. 55. Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot. 56. Cucumbers can't count to "10". 57. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. 58. Cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold. 59. Cucumbers don't get too excited. 60. Cucumbers don't have sex hangups. 61. Cucumbers don't jam the freezer with food you don't like. 62. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor. 63. Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow. 64. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month. 65. Cucumbers don't mind if you enjoy them and a movie at the same time. 66. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves. 67. Cucumbers don't tell you they like you better with longer hair. 68. Cucumbers never asnwer your phone or borrow your car. 69. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers. 70. Cucumbers never have mid-life crisis. 71. Cucumbers never have to tell you what they did while on vacation. 72. Cucumbers never need a round of applause. 73. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom. 74. Cucumbers stay hard for a week. 75. Cucumbers won't give you a hickey. 76. Cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest. 78. Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub. 79. Cucumbers don't care if you are a virgin. 80. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin. 81. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore. 82. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin. 83. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them. 84. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall. 85. It's easy to drop a cucumber. 86. No matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke and eat it too. 87. No matter what age group you are in, you can always get a fresh cucumber. 88. Nobody calls you a bigot for having a favorite kind of cucumber. 89. The average cucumber is at least seven inches long. 90. The cucumbers you raise don't desert you. 91. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it. 92. With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry. 93. With cucumbers you don't have to be a virgin more than once. 94. You always know where YOUR cucumber has been. 95. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle. 96. You can keep as many cucumbers as you want. 97. You don't have to wait until halftime to talk to your cucumber. 98. You only eat cucumbers when you feel like it. 99. Your mother won't flip out finding a cucumber in your house. 100. A cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey." ... and then come home with the smell of Channel No. 19 on him. 101. Cucumbers don't stay up until 4 and then demand that you take care of them when they get sick ... But on the other hand, cucumbers stay up ALL THE TIME. 102. Cucumbers won't ask about your last lover ... or speculate about your next. 103. With a cucumber you can get a single room ... and you won't have to check in as "Mrs." Cucumber. 104. You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket ... and you know how firm it is before you take it home. 105. You can go to movie with a cucumber ... and see the movie. 106. A cucumber will never leave you for... (a) another woman. (b) another man. (c) another cucumber. 107. A cucumber never... (a) snaps your bra. (b) pinches your butt. (c) gives you a snuggy. 108. A cucumber will never... (a) contest a divorce. (b) demand a property settlement. (c) seek custody of anything. 109. Afterwards, a cucumber won't... (a) want to shake hands and be friends. (b) say, "I'll call you a cab.". (c) tell you he's not the marrying kind. (d) tell you he is the marrying kind. (e) call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist. (f) take you to confesion. 110. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your... (a) gynecologist. (b) ski instructors. (c) tennis instructors. 111. Cucumbers won't ask... Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times? 112. Cucumbers won't make you... (a) wear kinky clothes. (b) go to be with your boots on. 113. You won't find out later that your cucumber... (a) is married. (b) is on penicillin. (c) likes you, but loves your sister. (d) likes you, but loves your brother. (e) trying to screw your sister. (f) has AIDS.
14 reasons friends are better than lovers 1. Good audience when you want to rehash fond memories of ex-lovers. 2. Good audience when you want to trash current lover. 3. Don't leave underwear on your bedroom floor. 4. Can develop the closest of relationships without ever demanding that you meet their parents. 5. Will never buy you tacky lingerie and try to palm it off as a serious present. 6. When they say they're going to call, they usually do, and if they don't, it doesn't really matter. 7. If they drink too much cappuccino after dinner or neglect to cut their toenails, so what? 8. Will listen to you cry, agonize, bemoan, regret and yearn without looking as if they wished they could slip you into a nice little straitjacket. 9. Will listen you talk about your period or gynecologist's visit without looking as if they are about to faint. 10. Own jewelry and makeup you might want to borrow. 11. Can tell you if your jewelry or makeup looks stupid. 12. Rarely feel threatened when you want to drive. 13. Instant understanding of the words LIAM NEESON. 14. Can make you feel that you're a woman. 14 reasons lovers are better than friends 1. Can inspire pleasant, spine-tingling, knee-weakening sensations just by being in the same room. 2. When your back itches, don't think twice about scratching right up there under your shirt and bra. 3. Provide entree inot the traditional world of coupledom. 4. Tongue-kissing, toe-nibbling orgasms for two. 5. Believe you're gorgeous without ever considering whether your skirt is the right length, your hair needs fresh highlighting, or your lipstick is this year's color. 6. Superior to friends when you want to shut up and dance, shut up and fool around or just shut up. 7. Excellent candidates for advancement to the role of husband. 8. You can exploit their sexist socialization by assigning them such tasks as opening ketchup bottles, changing tires, and taking out the garbage. 9. Will never borrow your favorite dress and "forget" to return it. 10. If you want to have a baby, may want to be its father. 11. Make good cheerleaders for your softball team. 12. Useful for psyching out your brother, your best male friend, the guy with whom you're negotiating a $3 million deal. 13. Useful for reminding you that you havea a body as well as a mind. 14. Can make you feel that you're wonderful simply because you're a woman. -Glamour, August 1996
The Biggest Lies
This was sent to me... read it.... LIFE!! Life isn't about keeping score. It's not about how many friends you have. Not about if you have plans this weekend or if you're alone. It isn't about who you're dating, who you used to date, how many people you've dated, or if you haven't been with anyone at all. It isn't about who you have kissed, it's not about sex. It isn't about who your family is or how much money they have. Or what kind of car you drive. Or where you went to school. It's not about how beautiful or ugly you are. Or what clothes you wear, what shoes you have on, or what kind of music you listen to ... It's not about if your hair is blonde, red, black, or brown. Or if your skin is too light or too dark. Not about what grades you get, how smart you are, how smart everybody else thinks you are, or how smart standardized tests say you are. It's not about what clubs you're in or how good you are at "your" sport. It's not about representing your whole being on a piece of paper and seeing who will "accept the written you." LIFE JUST ISN'T ... But, life is about who you love and who you hurt. It's about who you make happy or unhappy purposefully. It's about keeping or betraying trust ... It's about friendship, used as a sanctity or a weapon. It's about what you say and mean, maybe hurtful, maybe heartening. About starting rumors and contributing to petty gossip. It's about what judgments you pass and why ... And who your judgments are spread to. It's about who you've ignored with full control and intention. It's about jealousy, fear, ignorance, and revenge. It's about carrying inner hate and love, letting it grow, and spreading it. But most of all, it's about using your life to touch or poison other people's hearts in such a way that could have never occurred alone. Only you choose the way those hearts are affected, and those choices are what life's all about.
LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK 1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP 2. BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER 3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY 4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT 5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER 6. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG 7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT 8. IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY 9. IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE 10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER 11. SHE WON'T GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR DICK 12. IF YOU GO IN HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT 13. WHILE YOUR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS 14. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, ZIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE 15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER 16. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER 17. DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL 18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION 19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL 20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER 21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!