Below is a list of current funnies by category. If you have any additional, please feel free to mail them to me and the original author, if known. You just might see your name up here and the sender.

20 Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Partners Teacher's Gift Computers If Microsoft HQ were in Alabama Work Related Carpool Tunnel Syndrome Cost Cutting Corporate Zodiac Mature Audiences Two Trees and a Woodpecker Pickler

20 Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Partners

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?" 2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that." 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold." 5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!" 6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before." 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly. 8. Say, "Now how did that get there?" 9. Say, "Hummus. Reminds me of hummus." 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!" 11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers." 12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?" 13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me." 14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast. 15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot." 16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?" 17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. 18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. 19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!" 20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

Cost Cutting

Signs that your company has gone too far with its cost cutting: - The head of purchasing goes to employees' homes and steals back office supplies. - Water coolers are coin operated. - To get paid company life insurance, you have to sell ten policies to relatives. - You have to call in sick on a 900 number. - Company blood drives are now considered a profit center.

The Corporate Zodiac

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales. SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life. TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the heck can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth. ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your carpal tunnel". ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter! MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/ DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/ "TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager". SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager". CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.


Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

If Microsoft HQ were in Alabama

1. Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders" 2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle 3. Occasionally you'd bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape. 4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right", "Naw", or "Git", instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel". 5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos. 6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse. 7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!" 8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would be "Achey-Breaky Heart". 9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt". 10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++". 11. Winders 95 logo should incorporate the Confederate Flag. 12. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz". 13. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am. 14. Four words: Daisey Dukes screen saver. 15. "Well, the first thing you know ole Bill's a billionaire..." 16. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator. 17. Microsoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.

Teacher's Gifts

On a special Teachers' Day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florists son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is, some flower." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it and said, "I bet I can guess what it is, a box of candy." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held it overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No" the boy replied. The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No" . Once again the teacher tasted the leakage and finally said, "I give up, what is it?" The boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

Two Trees and a Woodpecker

Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sappling. The tall tree says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Carpool Tunnel Syndrome

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. To make the task less onerous, he invited several of his coworkers to share the ride. He soon found, however, that the commute continued to get more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor. "Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week long. But when I get in the tunnels and I've got those four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get anxious and dizzy and feel like I'm going to explode." Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had identified the ailment. "What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?" "No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in these parts." "Tell me! What is it?" "You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

High Tech Skills

A young engineer was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young engineer with confidence. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Instructions for Microsoft's New TV Dinner Product

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: <<\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//. Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter <

New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he: could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. I I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and tool a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the vodka , don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the Late JC. 7. The Father, Son, and The Holy Ghost are not referred to as the Daddy, Junior, and The Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We don't refer to the cross as the Big "T". 11. When Jesus broke his bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat Me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry." 13. The recommended grace before the meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at the St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

You're Not a Kid Anymore When ...

  • You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
  • You can live without sex but not without glasses
  • Your back goes out more than you do
  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You buy a compass for the dash of your car. Your are proud of your lawn mower. Your best friend is dating someone half his age..... and isn't breaking any laws. You call Olan Mills before they call you. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. You sing along with the elevator music. You would rather go to work than stay home sick. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. You make an appointment to see the dentist You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. Neighbors borrow your tools . People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" You have a dream about prunes. You answer a question with, "Because I said so!" You send money to PBS. You still buy records, and you think a CD is a certificate of deposit. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. You take a metal detector to the beach. You wear black socks with sandals. You know what the word "equity" means. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. Your ears have more hair than your head. You talk about "good grass," and you're referring to someone's lawn. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. You got cable for the weather channel. You can go bowling without drinking. You have a party, and the neighbors don't even realize it. ********************************************************************8 Generation X Jargon Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible. Beepilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence. Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles. Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one's own name. Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators running. Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato. CLM (Career-Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've just made a big mistake. SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny. Tourists - those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs -- "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists." Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week." World Wide Wait - The real meaning of WWW. Weally Wong Wait - The meaning of WWW to a guy with a speech impediment. CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure. Dorito Syndrome - Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome." Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an on-line service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest." Glazing - Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?" Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..." Graybar Land - The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering." Open-Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute. Squirt The Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?" Cobweb Site - A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page. It's a Feature - From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over. Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque." Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Martin, he's the alpha geek around here." Adminosphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminosphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established. Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end. Chainsaw consultant - an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands 404 - someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located -- Don't bother asking him, he's 404 Elvis year - the peak year of something's popularity -- Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993. Startup Syndrome - a condition that exists when people use their job at a startup company as an excuse to blow off social engagements so that they can work out or smooz with their co-workers instead. ********************************************************************** A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines." ************************************************************************ A BEAR STORY In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some *religion*!" The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, Lord, for the food I'm about to receive...." ******************************************************************* The Lucky Frog A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now,this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room." ************************************************************************ There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!--knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and --WHAM!!!"-- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears." *********************************************************************** A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy!" so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures, "What the heck..." and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen Mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought *you* were trying to give her back to me!" ******************************************************************* You know you are an E-mail Junkie when... 1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 2. You get a tatoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher. 3. You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom. 4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap ... and your child in the overhead compartment. 6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access. 7. You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems. 8. You start using smileys in your snail mail. 9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. ... And you succeed. 10.You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word 11.You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 12.You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com." 13.All of your friends have an @ in their names. 14.Your cat has its own home page. 15.You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. 16.You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. 17.Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. 18.You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. 19.You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. 20.You tell the cab driver you live at "" 21.You start tilting your head sideways to smile. *********************************************************************** Here is a pretty funny help desk log if you are into these kinds of things. Monday 8:05am: User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too? 8:12am: Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer. 8:14 am: User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport. 11:00 am: Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are this weekend! 11:34 am: Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US. 12:00 pm: Lunch 3:30 pm: Return from lunch. 3:55 pm: Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason. Return to napping. 4:23 pm: Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out. 4:55 pm: Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do. Tuesday 8:30 am: Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts. 9:00 am: Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling. 9:35 pm: Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement. 10:00 am: Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment. 10:07 am: Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke. 1:00 pm: Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy. 1:05 pm: Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!" 1:15 pm: Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks. 1:20 pm: Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up. 2:00 pm: Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that. 2:49 pm: Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day. Wednesday 8:30 am: Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up. 9:10am: Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material... 10:00 am: Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums. 10:30 am: Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime. 11:00 am: Lunch. 4:55 pm: Return from lunch. 5:00 pm: Shift change; Going home. Thursday 8:00 am: New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color. 8:45 am: New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke. 9:30 am: Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments. Is this guy great or what?! 11:00 am: Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer! 11:55 am: Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new employee beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door. 1:00 pm: Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy... 4:30 pm: Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads. 5:00 pm: Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow. Friday 8:00 am: Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left. 9:00 am: Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom. 9:02 am: Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications. 9:30 am: Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours. 10:17 am: Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours. 11:00 am: E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee. 11:20 am: Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook. 11:23 am: Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is. 11:25 am: Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!" 11:30 am: Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I tell him. 12:00 am: Lunch. 1:00 pm: Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them fast. 1:03 pm: Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology! 2:30 pm: Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45 pm appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know. 2:39 pm: New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport. 2:50 pm: Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately. 3:00 pm: Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so. 4:00 pm: Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point size to "2" in help databases. 4:30 pm: User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so. 4:45 pm: Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings. 4:58 pm: Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much. 5:00 pm: Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend. *********************************************************************** "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire." Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough." Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft." Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid." Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal." Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage." Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." Signed off: "IT DOES NOW." Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit." Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." Solution: "Evidence removed." Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud." Solution: "Volume set to more believable level." Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield." Solution: "Live bugs on order." Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent." Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground." Problem: "IFF inoperative." Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode." Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick." Solution: "That's what they're there for." Problem: "Number three engine missing." Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search." ******************************************************************** ~~NEW COMPUTING TAROT~~ 0. The FOOL: a manager using a SPARCStation 413/1432 to run a screensaver. 1. The MAGICIAN: a hacker with a Mac, a Pentium box, a Sparc, and a Cray on the table in front of him --- all running the same program with the same GUI. An infinity sign is over his head. 2. The HIGH PRIESTESS: a woman holding the Documentation, closed and concealed. The crescent moon is showing on an Indigo behind her. 3. The EMPEROR: Steve Jobs sitting on a NeXT cube, holding an optical disk vertically in his hand. 4. The EMPRESS: A secretary with a NeXT Machine. 5. The HEIROPHANT: Bill Gates with two flunkies kneeling before him, their faces averted, offering him floppy disks. He wears a laptop computer on his head. 6. The LOVERS: a PowerMAC and an IBM Power PC exchanging software as an angel bathed in glory regards them. 7. The CHARIOT: A man in a chariot, hurtling up an exponential curve, drawn by the twin sphinxes of Technology (black) and Culture (white). 8. STRENGTH: A woman holding the entire design and implementation of Microsoft Excel in her mind as she corrects the final error. An infinity sign is over her head. 9. The HERMIT: An old hacker, white-bearded, burns the midnight oil; its Star-of-David flame illuminates his keyboard. 10. The WHEEL OF FORTUNE: A rotating wheel. Cray is on the side going down, despite its good technology; Smalltalk is opposite it, and C++ is sitting on top. Four winged beings -- a mouse, a turtle, a dog-cow, and a human -- look on. 11. JUSTICE: A cold-faced woman holds a calculator in one hand and a delete-key in the other. 12. The HANGED MAN: A programmer is tied by his ankle to a cable duct. His phase is completely shifted: he awakens at sunset, he sleeps at dawn. His monitor is reverse-video. He programs on, flawlessly, oblivious to his circumstances. 13. DEATH: A skeleton wielding a scythe surveys a field, on which are scattered PDP-11s, Apple ]['s, IBM 360/91's, Xerox Alto's, and many other machines. 14. TEMPERANCE: An angel stands with one foot on her chair and one on the floor, as she copies files from one disk to another. A cursor blinks from her chest. 15. The DEVIL: The goat-headed Lord of the Pit stands on a pile of Windows manuals, holding an inverted torch in one hand. Two humans, male and female, are in chains at his feet. 16. The TOWER: An ivory tower is struck by a bolt of lightning. Two robed figures, denied tenure, are hurled to the ground. 17. The STAR: A Mac is running its `warp' screen saver, in a transient fragile moment of peace. 18. The MOON: A wolf and a jackal are typing at two PC's. A crayfish crawls out of a pool, offering suggestions that may ultimately prove deadly. The moon shines through a window. 19. The SUN: A naked child riding a winged rocking horse programs clever applications on a high-quality workstation. 20. JUDGMENT: An angel blows a trumpet; all over the net, web pages arise, to be rated Cool or Not. 21. The WORLD: A woman dances on the clouds, unclothed, unencumbered, in a ring of clouds, a 3-d mouse in each hand. The four winged beings from the Wheel of Fortune surround her. ***************************************************************** Amusing Quotes -smile, its the second best thing you can do with your lips -sex is like air, its not important unless you aren't getting any. -never take life seriously. nobody gets out alive anyways -if vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of? -no guts, no glory, no brain, same story. -cocain is gods way of telling you you make too much money. -lite beer is like making love in a canoe-fucking close to water. -if quiters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool that first said "quit while you are ahead"? -if you don't die from it it is healthy. -never sleep with anyone crazier than you. -everybody should believe in something-i believe i'll have another drink. -it is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. -if everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is going on. -sex is like snow. you never know how many inches you are going to get, or how long it will last. -one good turn gets most of the blankets -there is no difference between a wise man and a fool when it comes to love. -it is better to be looked over than to be overlooked -women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place. -why is there a lock on the door to 7-11? it is open 24 hours a day. -if con is the opposite of pro, then would the opposite of progress be congress? -duct tape is like the force-there is a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together. -there are three kinds of people. those who count and those who can't. -it is not what a teenager know that bothers his parents. it is how he found out! -since blue and white is the international sign for handicapped, what does that say about the iowa licence plates? -my homework is like a juicy steak-rarely done. -there are two kinds of pedestrians, the quick and the dead. -if elvis were alive right now, he'd be scratching at the inside of his coffin. -life is sexually transmitted -everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die. -an unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. -if at first you dont succeed-give up! no use being a damn fool. -time is natures way of making sure that all the shit doesn't happen at once. -falling in love is awfully simple. falling out of love is simply awful -all things being equal, you lose. -you can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool mom. -no job is so simple that it cannot be done wrong -you can only be young once, but you can be immature forever. -only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles. -everything is possible except skiing through revolving doors. -disco is to music what the etch-a-sketch is to art. -the sum of the intelligence on the planet is constant, but the population is increasing -Fundamental law of the universe. nothing travels faster than a bouncing check. -the man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on ******************************************************************* "SIGNS YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS" 10. NO CALLS FROM SALESPEOPLE PUSHING MCI'S FRIENDS AND FAMILY PLAN 9. YOU GO TO A VIDEO STORE AND SAY OUT LOUD TO YOURSELF, "WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO RENT TONIGHT?" 8. YOU SEND BIRTHDAY CARDS TO THE MEMBERS OF THE MCLAUGHLIN GROUP 7. YOU ARE ONE OF THE FIVE BEST SOLITARE PLAYERS IN THE WORLD 6. YOUR INITIALS ARE G.S., AND YOU OWN A MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM IN THE BRONX 5. AT YOUR FUNERAL, THE ENTIRE EULOGY IS, "YEP. HE'S DEAD." 4. HAVING A SUPER BOWL PARTY MEANS DRESSING UP YOUR DOGS IN SWEATERS AND TYING THEM TO THE FURNITURE 3. JAMES TAYLOR SINGS THE FIRST FEW BARS OF "YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND,"NOTICES YOU IN THE AUDIENCE, AND STOPS 2. YOU'RE STILL DRINKING FROM SAME KEG YOU BOUGHT ON NEW YEAR'S EVE 1987 1. ALL YOUR PHONE CALLS START WITH "976" ****************************************************************** How to be a Pest by Modem* Here's how to be a pest-by-modem: *Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f...... manual) to show that they're "hep" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for ("You don't know? RTFM"). *WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!!!!!!! *When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of their messages. When they respond testily to your 'creative criticism," do it again. Continue until they go away. *Software and files offered on-line are often "compressed" so that it won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail responses like "Thanks." *Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like "SexyHouseWives," then see how many people download them. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Take bets and calculate odds on the results of each upload's popularity. *cc: all your E-mail to Al Gore ( so that he can keep track of what's happening on the information Superhighway Internet. *Join a discussion group, and tie whatever's being discussed back to an unrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you're in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to ignore you. ******************************************************************** WHY COFFEE IS BETTER THAN WOMEN 1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good. 2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it. 3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning. 4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee. 5. You can always warm coffee up. 6. Coffee comes with endless refills. 7. Coffee is cheaper. 8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM. 9. Coffee never runs out. 10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning. 11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents. 12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want. 13. You can smoke while drinking coffee. 14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee. 15. Coffee smells and tastes good. 16. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee. 17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel. 18. You can always get fresh coffee. 19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back. 20. They sell coffee at police stations. 21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee. 22. Coffee goes down easier. 23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight. 24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee. 25. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter. 26. Your coffee doesn't talk to you. 27. Coffee smells good in the morning. 28. Coffee is good when it's cold too. 29. Coffee stains are easier to remove. 30. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it. 31. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in. 32. Coffee doesn't shed. 33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less. 34. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it. 35. Coffee doesn't mind being ground. 36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better. 37. Coffee doesn't have a time of the month... it's good all the time. 38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away. 39. When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your throat. 40. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed. 41. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup. 42. INSTANT COFFEE! 43. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee. 44. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold. 45. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup. *********************************************************************** A man and wife and their little boy went to the beach for vacation. The wife was unpacking while the man went to swim. A few minutes later the husband came back in and said, "Honey, this is a nude beach!" threw his trunks on the bed and rushed back out. His wife continued unpacking while the son went out on the balcony to look at the beach. A few minutes later he came back in and said, "Mommy why are some of the women's chests bigger than the others?" And the mom said, "That's just the way they are, but the bigger the chest, the dumber the woman." The little boy went back outside, but came in again and said, "Mommy, why are some of the men's penises bigger than the others?" And the mom said, "That's just the way it is, but the bigger the penis, the dumber the man." So the little boy goes out again. A few minutes later he comes back and says, "Mommy, daddy's talking to a real dumb woman and he's getting dumber and dumber!" ****************************************************************** 101 Ways to Be Annoying 1.Signal Left; Turn right. 2.Help fools part with their money. 3.Practice the art of limp handshakes. 4.Pay tolls with $50 bills. 5.Give little kids clothes for their birthday. 6.Talk with your hand over your mouth. 7.Fire people over the phone. 8.Wear jeans to a wedding. 9.Ask people what they paid for their clothes. 10.Don't sign your checks. 11.Rake leaves into your neighbors yard. 12.Develop a convienient memory. 13.Remind people that their freckles could be cancerous. 14.Ask people how much they make. 15.Leave the concerts during a solo or before the clapping starts. 16.Leave price tags on presents. 17.Blow out other people's birthday candles. 18.Assume everyone agrees with you, but keep trying to convince them. 19.Pledge moeny that you won't send. 20.Reserve compliments for people who can do you some good. 21.Touch the paintings at museums. 22.Threaten lawsuits. 23.Gamble with rent money. 24.Tell people they are in your will even if they aren't. 25.Whe giving directions leave out a turn or two. 26.Remind people who loose their job they probably should have worked harder. 27.See what it takes to get the lifeguard to blow the whistle. 28.If you have to give blood, at least make a show of it. 29.Tuck a twenty dollar bill or two in with your driver's license, so a trooper will get the hint. 30.Make jokes about terrorists at the boarding gate. 31.Put a title like Senator or Doctor before your name when making reservations. 32.Don't do anything until you have been asked twice. 33.Tell people what you expect them to give you for your birthday. 34.Focus on winning and to hell with how you play the game. 35.Free cable TV is a shady electrician away. 36.Send smutty birthday cards to your inlaws. 37.Announce when you intend to go to the bathroom. 38.Borrow handkercheif's to blow your nose. 39.Curse at the umpire in a little league game. 40.If you do something nice, make sure everyone knows about it. 41.Bribe kids, they are easy. 42.Support the death penalty for parking violations. 43.Lie to your therapist and sit in their chair. 44.Leave your shopping cart online at the checkout, then go shopping. 45.Quote Adolf Hitler. 46.Tell teenagers how things were in your day. 47.Vividly describe a hysterectomy when the entree arrives. 48.Scrawl your signature on important documents. 49.Sit in the home team bleachers and cheer for the other team. 50.Make fun of men who cry. 51.Make up statistics to convince people when arguing. 52.Open gift checks at weddings and announce the amount. 53.Recommend untrustworthy automechanics. 54.Refuse collect calls from your family. 55.Alternately raise and lower your voice to make people question their hearing. 56.Be known for you sesquipedalianism. 57.Don't tell vegetarians about any meat in the food you prepare. 58.Call your friends during the SuperBowl to talk about your problems. 59.Tape record all of your phone conversations and play them back for friends. 60.Have a "Clergy on Call" sign made for your front windsheild. 61.Dance fast to slow music and vice versa. 62.Don't stand during hymns and anthems. 63.Open the casket for "one last look". 64.Get into heated arguments about the weather. 65.Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus. 66.Whistle a happy tune - over and over. 67.Give out your friends' unlisted numbers. 68.Forget the punch line, but don't let that stop you from telling jokes. 69.Tell your blind that they aren't up to what you were told. 70.Make your kids stand at attention every morning. 71.Put a too cute message on your answering machine. 72.Support the death penalty - for parking violations. 73.Be ambiguous; It lets you work both sides of an issue. 74.Crash private meetings with a big smile on your face. 75.When it says, "Reserved Parking," that means you. 76.Develop at least three strategies for cutting to the front of lines. 77.Give yourself a title like "Senator" or "Doctor" when making hotel reservations. 78.Jump into every photograph you can. 79.Ask your parents and grandparents how much they intend to leave you. 80.Withdraw "taxes" from your kid's piggy bank. 81.Serve fish with the head still attached. 82.Touch strangers. 83.Get up early and take your neighbors newspaper. 84.Complain about daylight savings time, long after the switch. 85.Feed the animals in the zoo, they especially like Crackerjacks. 86.Ask people how they are, but don't wait for a response. 87.Remind friends of stupid things they did ten years ago. 88.Cover your furniture in plastic and never clean it again. 89.Drive fast and as near the sidewalks as possible. 90.Ask if the present is returnable. 91.Say the coffee is decaf when it isn't. 92.Give distances in kilometers. 93.Tell everyone that they should be in therapy. 94.Flirt with a friend's spouse. 95.Keep asking, "Are we there yet?" 96.Eat out with friends and "forget" your wallet. 97.Get light bulbs from the hall when you need them in your apartment. 98.Don't sign your greeting cards. 99.Make fun of all accents. 100.Always suspect an evil plot. 101.Brush dandruff off of other people's shoulders. **************************************************** FOURTEEN EASY WAYS TO SAY "NO!" 01) I HAVE TO FLOSS MY CAT 02) THE PRESIDENT SAID HE MIGHT DROP BY 03) THE MAN ON TELEVISION TOLD ME TO STAY TUNED 04) I DID MY OWN THING AND NOW I HAVE TO UNDO IT 05) I HAVE TO GO TO THE POST OFFICE TO SEE IF I'M STILL WANTED 06) I'M TRYING TO SEE HOW LONG I CAN GO WITHOUT SAYING YES 07) MY PATENT IS PENDING 08) I'M ATTENDING THE OPENING OF MY GARAGE DOOR 09) I'VE COME DOWN WITH A REALLY HORRIBLE CASE OF SOMETHING OR OTHER 10) I HAVE TO FULFILL MY POTENTIAL 11) I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE MY COMFORT ZONE 12) IT'S TOO CLOSE TO THE TURN OF THE CENTURY 13) MY SUBCONSCIOUS SAYS NO 14) I LEFT MY BODY IN MY OTHER CLOTHES ************************************************************************ This guy is walking through a forest pondering life. He walks ... ponders ... walks ... and ponders ... He feels so close to nature and even close to God. So close he feels if he spoke God would listen. So he says.. "God, are you listening" and God replies.. "yes my son. I am here" And the man stops and ponders some more. He looks towards the sky and says "God. What is a million years to you?" and God replies.."well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you." So the man continues to walk and ponder.. walk and ponder.. Then he looks to the sky and again says "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God replies.. "My son, my son. ..a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little." So the man looks down.. ponders a bit then looks up to the sky and says "God, Can I have a Million dollars?" and God replies. "In a second" *********************************************************** Jack and Jill are employees Acme Company. Both have been model employees and have been much valued by the firm. However, due to financial setbacks, the company has no choice but to let one of them go. Their boss decides on a plan. He will watch Jack closely for one day, monitoring his performance. The next day, he will similarly scrutinize Jill. Then he will announce which one he is going to keep and which one will have to be fired. The first day, Jack comes in early. He works hard all morning, not even taking a coffee break. He skips lunch. He works hard all afternoon, doesn't spend any time on the phone, and leaves late. Noticing this, the boss begins to think, "If they're both such diligent workers, the choice is going to be even harder." The next day, Jill comes in late, complaining of a headache. She takes some aspirin and hangs out at the water fountain talking to her friends. She takes an extra long coffee break. She leaves early for lunch, and comes back late. She's unproductive in the afternoon, spending much of her time calling her friends and telling them how miserable she feels. She takes some more aspirin and leaves early. The boss takes note of this and his mind is made up. So the next day, the boss calls Jill into his office. He tells her, "Jill, you know I either have to lay you or Jack off." And she replies, "Well, you're going to have to jack off because I've got a headache." ************************************************* FUCK YOU Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English language today is the word "FUCK". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate. In language, "FUCK" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck!! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjuction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word ---FUCK Aside from its sexual connections, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations: 1. Greeting: "How the fuck are ya?" 2. Fraud: "I got fucked by the car dealer." 3. Resignation: "Oh, fuck it!" 4. Trouble: "I guess I'm fucked now." 5. Aggression: "FUCK YOU!" 6. Disgust: "Fuck me." 7. Confusion: "What the fuck......?" 8. Difficulty: "I don't understand the fucking business!" 9. Despair: "Fucked again....." 10. Pleasure: "I fucking couldn't be happier." 11. Displeasure:"What the fuck is going on here?" 12. Lost: "Where the fuck are we?" 13. Disbelief: "UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!" 14. Retaliation: "Up your fucking ass!" 15. Denial: "I didn't fucking do it." 16. Perplexity: "I know fuck all about it." 17. Apathy: "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?" 18. Suspicion: "Who the fuck are you?" 19. Panic: "Let's get the fuck out of here." 20. Directions: "Fuck off!" 21. Disbelief: "How the fuck did you do that?" 22. It can be used in an anatomical descripton: "He's a fucking asshole" 23. It can be used to tell time: "It's five fucking thirty." 24. It can be used in business: "How did I wind up with this fucking job?" 25. It can be maternal: "Motherfucker!" 26. It can be political: "Fuck Bill Clinton!" It has also been used by many notable people throughout history: "What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" General Custer "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic "That's not a real fucking gun." John Lennon "Who's gonna fucking find out?" Richard Nixon "Heads are going to fucking roll." Anne Boleyn "Let the fucking woman drive." Capt. of Valuejet airliner departing Florida "What fucking map?" "Challenger", Mark Thatcher "Any fucking idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein "It does so fucking look like her!" Picasso "How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras "You want what on the fucking ceiling?" Michaelangelo "Fuck a duck." Walt Disney "Why?....Because its fucking there!" Edmund Hilary "I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" Joan of Arc "Scattered fucking showers my fucking ass." Noah "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." John F. Kennedy ********************************************************* The Beavis and Butt-Head Turd List BH: "I love to take a dump, huh huh huh. It like, gives me a special feeling down there, huh huh" B: "Hmm heh yeah hmm m heh... Uh... What do you mean?" BH: "You dumbass." GHOST TURD The kind where you feel the turd come out, but there isn't any turd in the toilet. CLEAN TURD The kind where you crap it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. WET TURD The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin your paints with a stain. SECOND WAVE TURD It happens when you're done craping and you've pulled up your pants to your knees and you realize that you have to crap some more. POP A VEIN IN YOUR HEAD TURD The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke. RICHARD SIMMONS TURD You crap so much you lose 30 pounds. LINCOLN LOG TURD The kind of turd that is so huge that you're afraid to flush it without breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush. GASSY TURD It's noisy and everyone within earshot is giggling. "That's cool" - Butt-Head DRINKER TURD The kind of turd you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread marks on the bottom of the toilet. BH: "Hey Beavis, have you ever drank a beer?" B: "Uh... yeah, hmm heh." BH: "Oh yeah? Where'd you get it from?" B: "This like, uh, guy gave it to me." BH: "Liar. You've never drank a beer." B: "Shutup Butt-Head!" CORN TURD Self-explanitory. "GEE, I WISH I COULD TURD" TURD It's the kind where you want to make a turd but all you do is sit on the toilet cramped and fart a few times. SPINAL TAP TURD "Tap is cool" - Beavis That's where it hurts so bad coming out you'd swear it was leaving you sideways. WET CHEEKS TURD (the power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast your cheeks get splashed with water. LIQUID TURD The kind where yellow-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splatters all over the toilet bowl. MEXICAN FOOD TURD It smells so bad that the bathroom must be condemmed. UPPERCLASS TURD The kind that thinks their turd doesn't smell. FISHERMAN'S BOBBER TURD The kind where you are in a public restroom, there are two people waiting on you stall, you crap and flush 2 times, but several golfball size pieces are still floating above the water line. AMBUSH TURD This kind never occurs at home, but usually at a party or while playing golf. It's the result of trying to fart just a little, but you end up with trower chili and you have to walk bow-legged for the rest of the day. CAT TURD Thin turds like the kind that cats leave in the garden. KAMIKAZE TURD The kind that seems to leave your butt before you get to the toilet. NowAndLater TURD You turd some now and save some for later. APRIL FOOL'S TURD The kind that feels like a Lincoln Log Turd but turns out to be a bobber. RABBIT TURD A bunch of pellets. GUILLOUTINE TURD The kind you cut in half before your done. LAVA TURD (FIRE ASS) Slight burning sensation. TWO WAY TURD (Surf and Turf) This usually occurs when your sick and you puke and turd at the same time. MOSS TURD Usually associated with the runs and looks like pond scum on top of the water. CATFISH TURD The kind that floats on the bottom of the bowl. STEALTH TURD Doesn't make a sound. The kind you hope for in a public facility. TAGGER TURD When you leave your mark on the back of the toilet bowl. *********************************************************** THE CONSTITUTION OF LOVE WE, THE LOVERS OF THE HEART, IN ORDER TO FORM A MORE PERFECT KISS, ENABLE THE MIGHTY HUG, AND TO PROMOTE TO WHOM WE PLEASE, BUT PLEASE THE ONE WE KISS. ARTICLE #1-STATEMENT OF LOVE-THE KISS 1. ON THE HAND---I ADORE YOU 2. ON THE CHEEK---JUST FRIENDS 3. ON THE NECK---I WANT YOU 4. ON THE LIPS---I LOVE YOU 5. ON THE EAR---JUST JOKING 6. ANYWHERE ELSE---DON'T GET CARRIED AWAY!!!!! 7. LOOKING INTO YOUR EYES---KISS ME 8. HANDS ON THE WAIST---I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO LET YOU GO ARTICLE #2-THE THREE STEPS 1. GIRL---IF A BOY GETS TOO FRESH, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SLAP HIM 2. BOY---IF A GIRL SLAPS YOU, KISS HER 3. BOY AND GIRL---CLOSE YOUR EYES, IT'S RUDE TO STARE ARTICLE #3-THE THREE COMMANDMENTS 1. THOU SHALT NOT SQUEEZE TOO HARD 2. THOU SHALT NOT ASK FOR A KISS, THOU SHALT TAKE ONE 3. THOU SHALT KISS ON EVERY OPPORTUNITY ARTICLE #4-MUST 1. AFTER READING THIS, YOU MUST KISS THE PERSON WHO GAVE YOU THIS UNLESS THEY ARE OF THE SAME SEX. ARTICLE #5-CONSEQUENCES AFTER READING THIS, YOU MUST MAKE 7 COPIES IN SEVEN DAYS TO SEVEN PEOPLE, OR YOU WILL HAVE 7 YEARS OF BAD LUCK. REMEMBER... A PEACH IS A PEACH, A PLUM IS A PLUM, A KISS AIN'T A KISS, WITHOUT SOME TONGUE. SO OPEN YOUR MOUTH, AND CLOSE YOUR EYES--- AND GIVE YOUR TONGUE... SOME EXERCISE!!!!!!!!! ********************************************************** Your Favorite Color is the Key to Your Sexual Life -------------------------------------------------- The clothes you wear, your home furnishings and the car you drive all give clues to your sexual personality. The key is the colors you select for your possessions. Most people claim they haven't a favorite color. But look around you, and you'll notice a pattern, especially in your clothing and home decor. The predominant color for you is the one that appears most frequently - -- it's the one that mirrors the sexual you. A panel of psychologists, speaking at the 1975 Home Interior Design Forum, explained the association between color and sexual patterns. RED: People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterly blush. Lovers of red tend to be aggressors and weaker colors should be aware. YELLOW: If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex and turn toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is yellow. But don't panic -- not everyone who wears yellow is queer. In most cases the person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from somebody you enjoy or admire. PINK: Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases they flaunt their femininity -- but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes in pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will make three dates for the same evening and not keep one, preferring to pick up a dish in some bar instead. Women whose husbands like pink should keep a secret nest egg. PURPLE: Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification. BLACK: Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily meaning black partners). These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer the color black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of molesters and teenage gangs is black attire. GREEN: Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins all their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity. ORANGE: Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings, meaningless dialogue; they feel it is their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm -- but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair, and women leave red welts on the sex partner's back. BROWN: If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24 hour a day thing. Where you can't say "I love you" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair. GREY: The color grey a preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get excited about anything -- including color -- so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer grey look at sex as a way of relieving tension -- but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons only: to accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. But when teamed with another color, the grey spouse considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When a grey marries another grey, the marriage is made in heaven. BLUE: Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sinners, affectionate and sensitive to their partner's needs. They consider lovemaking a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love blue are like concert pianists, delicately savaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners but their passion may be compared to a tidal wave rather than fiery aggression. Both women and men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex act itself. In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate never seeking outside interests. WHITE: If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in the daylight in unheard of. Women who love white will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people still use pet names for their genitals. ------------------------------ End of Section Questions 1. What is your predominant color? 2. Do you agree with your sexual profile? Why or why not? ***************************************************************** Barney Got Run Over By A Tractor (to the tune of "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer") Chorus: Barney got run over by a tractor Best of all it happened on TV All the little children are unhappy I am just beside myself with glee He was singing to the kiddies "You Wuv Me and I Wuv You" Now he is just a piece of roadkill Some furry purple bits of dino-goo. Chorus: Barney got run over by a tractor Best of all it happened on TV All the little children are unhappy I am just beside myself with glee I don't think the children like me But though I killed him, it's not wrong We're saved from evil propaganda That purple, nazi mind-controller's gone Chorus: Barney got run over by a tractor Best of all it happened on TV All the little children are unhappy I am just beside myself with glee My trial date is set for Tuesday I won't get off (so I've been told) 10 million kiddies saw me do it And the members of the jury are six years old Chorus: Oh' Barney got run over by a tractor Best of all it happened on TV All the little children are unhappy I am just beside myself with glee [ Come on everyone, one more time! ] Chorus: Oh' Barney got run over by a tractor Best of all it happened on TV All the little children are unhappy I am just beside myself with glee ************************************************** WIFESPEAK: ENGLISH TRANSLATION GUIDE WIFESPEAK ENGLISH EQUIVALENT --------- ------------------ You want. You want. We need. I want. It's your decision. The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want. You'll pay for this later. We need to talk. I need to complain. Sure...go ahead. I don't want you to. I'm not upset. Of course I'm upset, you moron. You' manly. You need a shave and you sweat a lot You're certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever think about? I'm not emotional! And I'm not I'm on my period. overreacting! Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house. I want new curtains. and carpeting, and furniture... I need wedding shoes. the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white. Hang the picture there. No, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise. I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? I did something today you're really not going to like. I'll be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful. You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? [Too late, your dead.] No No Maybe No Yes No I'm sorry. You'll be sorry. Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it. I'M NOT YELLING! Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. In answer to "What's Wrong?" The same old thing. Nothing. Nothing. Everything. Everything. My PMS is acting up. Nothing, really. It's just that you're an a**hole. I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I'm still building up steam ________________________________________ | | | WARNING: | | The Surgeon General has determined | | that doing anything, anytime, | | anywhere with me may be hazardous | | to your health. | | | | Have a great day!! | -Spread love, not AIDS...wear a condom!! ************************************************************* This is really one "for the guys" to help with those difficult questions, however, a female here at work thought that it was good info for women to know so therefore I pass it along to them as well. Just in case you (read:women) have/will ever ask/ed any of the 5 said questions of a man. The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers The five questions are: 1 - "What are you thinking?" 2 - "Do you love me?" 3 - "Do I look fat?" 4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 5 - "What would you do if I died?" What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example: 1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things: a - Basketball b - Football c - How fat you are. d - How much prettier she is than you. e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died. According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking." The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers: 2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include: a - I suppose so. b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c - That depends on what you mean by "love". d - Does it matter? e - Who, me? 3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include: a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. b - Compared to what? c - A little extra weight looks good on you. d - I've seen fatter. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include: a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things. c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke: "Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of couse not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my old clothes?" "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed." ******************************************************* Dictionary of Dating ATTRACTION the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. DATING the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. BIRTH CONTROL avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphram, using a condom, and dating repulsive men. EASY a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. EYE CONTACT a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. FRIEND a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. INDIFFERENCE a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man as "playing hard to get." INTERESTING a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking. IRRITATING HABIT what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. LAW OF RELATIVITY how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is. NYMPHOMANIAC a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does. SOBER condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love ******************************************************************************* Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women and What They Really Mean 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance") 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are a jurassic geezer.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I'm waiting for a richer sugar daddy.) 6. I've got a boyfriend. (I've got a vibrator.) 5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.) 3. Im concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and un-fulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (One look at you and I'm ready to swear off men altogether.) 1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in EXCRUCIATING detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.) **************************************************** Actual Newspaper Headlines collected by actual "journalists" 1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Farmer Bill Dies in House 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 9. Stud Tires Out 10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again 13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms 15. Eye Drops off Shelf 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead 18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax 21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told 22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death 23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree 25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies 26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter 27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years 28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One 29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84 30. War Dims Hope for Peace 31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge 35. Deer Kill 17,000 36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge 38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy 42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire 43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply 44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees 46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies 48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing 49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing 50. Air Head Fired 51. Steals Clock, Faces Time 52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff 53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumn 54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board 55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction 57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training 58. Include your Children when Baking Cookies ******************************************************** Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-depependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schiophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. ************************************************************************ 74 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN 1. You can enjoy a beer all month. 2. Beer stains wash out. 3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer. 4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car. 5. When beer goes flat you toss it out. 6. Beer is never late. 7. HANGOVERS go away. 8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. 9. Beer labels come off without a fight. 10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer. 11. Beer never has a headache. 12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime. 13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath. 14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head. 15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty. 16. A beer ALWAYS goes down easy. 17. You can share a beer with your friends. 18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer. 19. A beer is always wet. 20. Beer doesn't demand equality. 21. A beer doesn't care when you come. 22. You can have a beer in public. 23. A frigid beer is a good beer. 24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good. 25. Beer always comes in multiples of six. 26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left. 27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer. 28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle. 29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty. 30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another. 31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod. 32. Beer looks the same in the morning. 33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month. 34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in. 35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids. 36. Beer doesn't get cramps. 37. Beer doesn't have a mother. 38. Beer doesn't have morals. 39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month. 40. Beer always listens and never argues. 41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year. 42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles. 43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet. 44. Beer doesn't demand legality. 45. Beer is never overweight. 46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony. 47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards. 48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer. 49. Beer doesn't need much closet space. 50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things. 51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive. 52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch. 53. Beer never changes its mind. 54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get. 55. Beer never asks you to change the station. 56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping. 57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass. 58. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks. 59. Beer is always easy to pick up. 60. Big, fat beers are nice to have. 61. Beer doesn't pout or play games. 62. Beer NEVER says no. 63. Beer is easy to get into. 64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere. 65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers. 66. Beer doesn't wear a bra. 67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty. 68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity. 69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper. 70. Beer doesn't live with its mother. 71. Beer doesn't blow you off. 72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners. 73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry. 74. Beer doesn't mind football season. ******************************************************************** Why Cucumbers Are Better Than Men 1. A cucumber a day keeps the ob-gyn away. 2. A cucumber can always wait until you get home. 3. A cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family. 4. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower. 5. A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move. 6. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library. 7. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hair spray. 8. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat. 9. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet. 10. A cucumber never has to call "the wife". 11. A cucumber never leaves the toilet seat up. 12. A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety. 13. A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet. 14. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind. 15. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning. 16. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator. 17. A cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?". 18. A cucumber won't ask for a transfer just when you're up for promotion. 19. A cucumber won't ask to be put through Medical school. 20. A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. 21. A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer. 22. A cucumber won't consume all your food or liquors. 23. A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival. 24. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn or send you out to get Milk Duds. 25. A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow. 26. A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon. 27. A cucumber won't give it up for Lent. 28. A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while you're asleep. 29. A cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised catholic, jewish, or orthodox vegetarian. 30. A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve. 31. A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy. 32. A cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore. 33. A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot. 34. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over. 35. A cucumber won't need to be sucked off. 36. A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache. 37. A cucumber won't run off with a cheerleader or an ex-nun. 38. A cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy.". 39. A cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy blonde. 40. A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually. 41. A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter. 42. A cucumber won't want to come on your face. 43. A cucumber won't want to join your support group. 44. A cucumber won't wear shorts to your office party. 45. A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink. 46. with a cucumber, you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the flu season. 47. All cucumbers are fresh and juicy. 48. At a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat. 49. Cucumbers are very easy to pick up. 50. Cucumbers aren't into leathers and chains, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits and nuts. 51. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations. 52. Cucumbers aren't jealous. 53. Cucumbers can get away any weekend. 54. Cucumbers can handle rejection. 55. Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot. 56. Cucumbers can't count to "10". 57. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. 58. Cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold. 59. Cucumbers don't get too excited. 60. Cucumbers don't have sex hangups. 61. Cucumbers don't jam the freezer with food you don't like. 62. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor. 63. Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow. 64. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month. 65. Cucumbers don't mind if you enjoy them and a movie at the same time. 66. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves. 67. Cucumbers don't tell you they like you better with longer hair. 68. Cucumbers never asnwer your phone or borrow your car. 69. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers. 70. Cucumbers never have mid-life crisis. 71. Cucumbers never have to tell you what they did while on vacation. 72. Cucumbers never need a round of applause. 73. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom. 74. Cucumbers stay hard for a week. 75. Cucumbers won't give you a hickey. 76. Cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest. 78. Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub. 79. Cucumbers don't care if you are a virgin. 80. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin. 81. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore. 82. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin. 83. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them. 84. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall. 85. It's easy to drop a cucumber. 86. No matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke and eat it too. 87. No matter what age group you are in, you can always get a fresh cucumber. 88. Nobody calls you a bigot for having a favorite kind of cucumber. 89. The average cucumber is at least seven inches long. 90. The cucumbers you raise don't desert you. 91. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it. 92. With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry. 93. With cucumbers you don't have to be a virgin more than once. 94. You always know where YOUR cucumber has been. 95. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle. 96. You can keep as many cucumbers as you want. 97. You don't have to wait until halftime to talk to your cucumber. 98. You only eat cucumbers when you feel like it. 99. Your mother won't flip out finding a cucumber in your house. 100. A cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey." ... and then come home with the smell of Channel No. 19 on him. 101. Cucumbers don't stay up until 4 and then demand that you take care of them when they get sick ... But on the other hand, cucumbers stay up ALL THE TIME. 102. Cucumbers won't ask about your last lover ... or speculate about your next. 103. With a cucumber you can get a single room ... and you won't have to check in as "Mrs." Cucumber. 104. You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket ... and you know how firm it is before you take it home. 105. You can go to movie with a cucumber ... and see the movie. 106. A cucumber will never leave you for... (a) another woman. (b) another man. (c) another cucumber. 107. A cucumber never... (a) snaps your bra. (b) pinches your butt. (c) gives you a snuggy. 108. A cucumber will never... (a) contest a divorce. (b) demand a property settlement. (c) seek custody of anything. 109. Afterwards, a cucumber won't... (a) want to shake hands and be friends. (b) say, "I'll call you a cab.". (c) tell you he's not the marrying kind. (d) tell you he is the marrying kind. (e) call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist. (f) take you to confesion. 110. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your... (a) gynecologist. (b) ski instructors. (c) tennis instructors. 111. Cucumbers won't ask... Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times? 112. Cucumbers won't make you... (a) wear kinky clothes. (b) go to be with your boots on. 113. You won't find out later that your cucumber... (a) is married. (b) is on penicillin. (c) likes you, but loves your sister. (d) likes you, but loves your brother. (e) trying to screw your sister. (f) has AIDS. ******************************************************** A man walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "Give me two beers!" The man guzzled them both down quickly and slams both bottles onto thebar. "What's the matter?" asked the bartender. "I just found our my brother is gay," said the man. Two days later the same man goes to the same bar and says, "Give me four beers!" The man tossed each one down and sets each bottle back onto the bar. "What's wrong with you?" askes the same bartender. "I just found out my other brother is gay," said the man. "You must not be having a very good week," said the bartender. Two weeks later, the man comes back to the bar and says, "Give me six beers!" and he finishes off every last one. "What is it this time?" asked the bartender, "Two weeks ago you come in here saying your one brother is gay, then two days later you come in and say your other brother is gay. Doesn't anyone in your family like women???" "YEAH, MY SISTER!!!" ***************************************************************** 14 reasons friends are better than lovers 1. Good audience when you want to rehash fond memories of ex-lovers. 2. Good audience when you want to trash current lover. 3. Don't leave underwear on your bedroom floor. 4. Can develop the closest of relationships without ever demanding that you meet their parents. 5. Will never buy you tacky lingerie and try to palm it off as a serious present. 6. When they say they're going to call, they usually do, and if they don't, it doesn't really matter. 7. If they drink too much cappuccino after dinner or neglect to cut their toenails, so what? 8. Will listen to you cry, agonize, bemoan, regret and yearn without looking as if they wished they could slip you into a nice little straitjacket. 9. Will listen you talk about your period or gynecologist's visit without looking as if they are about to faint. 10. Own jewelry and makeup you might want to borrow. 11. Can tell you if your jewelry or makeup looks stupid. 12. Rarely feel threatened when you want to drive. 13. Instant understanding of the words LIAM NEESON. 14. Can make you feel that you're wonderful simply because you're a woman. 14 reasons lovers are better than friends 1. Can inspire pleasant, spine-tingling, knee-weakening sensations just by being in the same room. 2. When your back itches, don't think twice about scratching right up there under your shirt and bra. 3. Provide entree inot the traditional world of coupledom. 4. Tongue-kissing, toe-nibbling orgasms for two. 5. Believe you're gorgeous without ever considering whether your skirt is the right length, your hair needs fresh highlighting, or your lipstick is this year's color. 6. Superior to friends when you want to shut up and dance, shut up and fool around or just shut up. 7. Excellent candidates for advancement to the role of husband. 8. You can exploit their sexist socialization by assigning them such tasks as opening ketchup bottles, changing tires, and taking out the garbage. 9. Will never borrow your favorite dress and "forget" to return it. 10. If you want to have a baby, may want to be its father. 11. Make good cheerleaders for your softball team. 12. Useful for psyching out your brother, your best male friend, the guy with whom you're negotiating a $3 million deal. 13. Useful for reminding you that you havea a body as well as a mind. 14. Can make you feel that you're wonderful simply because you're a woman. -Glamour, August 1996 ********************************************************* Children's Books That Were Banned Last Year Dad's New Wife Timothy Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games Maybe Dick The Boy Who Ate Spinach...And Lived To Tell About It How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School Safe Sex And The Zip-Lock bag Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets Egghead - And Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty The Complete Set Of "Mother Got Goosed" Nursery Rhymes Those Great Childhood Fragrances...Apple Pie, Cotton Candy And Bicycle Seats ************************************************************************ If Dr. Seuss were a Technical Writer Here's an easy game to play. Here's an easy thing to say. If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort. And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash. Then your siutation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash! You can't say this? What a shame, sir! We'll find you another game, sir! If the label on the cable on the table at your house Says the network is connected to the button on the mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, And your screen is all distorted by the side affects of Gauss, So your icons in the windows are so wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC. Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom! *********************************************************** The Biggest Lies The check is in the mail. I'll respect you in the morning. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you. It's only a cold sore. You get this one, I'll pay next time. My wife doesn't understand me. Trust me, I'll take care of everything. Of course I love you. I am getting a divorce. Drinking? Why, no, Officer. I never inhaled. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing. I never watch television except for PBS. ..but we can still be good friends. She means nothing to me. Dont worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty." I gave at the office. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone. I'll call you later. We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year. Read my lips: no new taxes I've never done anything like this before Now, I'm going to tell you the truth It's supposed to make that noise. I *love* your new ! ..then take a left. You can't miss it. Yes, I did. Don't worry, it's OK -- I'm sterile. ************************************************************************ This was sent to me... read it.... LIFE!! Life isn't about keeping score. It's not about how many friends you have. Not about if you have plans this weekend or if you're alone. It isn't about who you're dating, who you used to date, how many people you've dated, or if you haven't been with anyone at all. It isn't about who you have kissed, it's not about sex. It isn't about who your family is or how much money they have. Or what kind of car you drive. Or where you went to school. It's not about how beautiful or ugly you are. Or what clothes you wear, what shoes you have on, or what kind of music you listen to ... It's not about if your hair is blonde, red, black, or brown. Or if your skin is too light or too dark. Not about what grades you get, how smart you are, how smart everybody else thinks you are, or how smart standardized tests say you are. It's not about what clubs you're in or how good you are at "your" sport. It's not about representing your whole being on a piece of paper and seeing who will "accept the written you." LIFE JUST ISN'T ... But, life is about who you love and who you hurt. It's about who you make happy or unhappy purposefully. It's about keeping or betraying trust ... It's about friendship, used as a sanctity or a weapon. It's about what you say and mean, maybe hurtful, maybe heartening. About starting rumors and contributing to petty gossip. It's about what judgments you pass and why ... And who your judgments are spread to. It's about who you've ignored with full control and intention. It's about jealousy, fear, ignorance, and revenge. It's about carrying inner hate and love, letting it grow, and spreading it. But most of all, it's about using your life to touch or poison other people's hearts in such a way that could have never occurred alone. Only you choose the way those hearts are affected, and those choices are what life's all about. SEND THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW! ********************************************************** MALE BASHING JOKES - What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted. - What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds Mature. - What is the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish. - What did God say after creating man? I can do better. - Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what? - Why do men want to mary virgins? They can't stand criticism. - I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain. - What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention. - What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind. 2. No business. - How is a man like a snowstorm? Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay. - Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover? He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal. - Why are men like laxatives? They irritate the shit out of you. - What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist. - Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing. - If men got pregnant ... abortion would be available in convienience stores and drive through windows. - Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions. - Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because they already have boyfriends. - Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics? He had it bronzed. - Why do men like masturbation? Its sex with someone they love. - How do some men define Roe vs. Wade? Two ways to cross a river. - What is gross stupidity? 144 men in one room. - Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it? Wife: You wear briefs, don't you? - What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette? The porcupine has pricks on the outside. - How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove. - What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard. - How do men sort their laundry? "Fifthy" and "Filthy but Wearable". - Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it. - Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. - Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. - Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, "how sad - a dead bird." The other man looked up and said, "Where?" - Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom? To keep the swellin down. *************************************************************************** LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK 1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP 2. BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER 3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY 4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT 5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER 6. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG 7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT 8. IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY 9. IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE 10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER 11. SHE WON'T GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR DICK 12. IF YOU GO IN HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT 13. WHILE YOUR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS 14. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, ZIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE 15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER 16. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER 17. DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL 18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION 19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL 20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER 21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE! *********************************************************** THE CREATION OF A PUSSY Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,created a pussy to their design. First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit, Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole, Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within, Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without, Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell, Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee, Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt. *************************************************** "Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day" 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6. Cross their legs without rearranging. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more Without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too. and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina 1. Finally find that damned G-spot.!!!!! ****************************************************** A girl was a prostitute but didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was amongst the group. The police had all the prostitutes lined up in a straight line. Along comes the grandma and sees her grand daughter. Grandma asks the granddaughter, "What are you lining up for?" Grand daughter, not willing to let grandma know the truth, told her grandma that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. Grandma wanted oranges too, so she went to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes. When he got to the grandma, he was bewildered and asked, "You are so old, how do you do it?" Grandma replies, "Oh, it's easy, I just take off my dentures and suck them dry!" ***************************************************** A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!" ****************************************************** Did you know that if the Pilgrims had eaten Mountain Lion, we all would be eating pussy for Thanksgiving?? ****************************************************** A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?" ****************************************************** Two cannibals were walking through the jungle talking when one mentioned that he had a belly ache. The other cannibal asked "Well, did you eat anything out of the ordinary lately?" "No", replied the first, "All I've eaten recently was a missionary." "Hmm", said the second, "And how did you cook him?" "I boiled him as usual" replied the first. The second asked, "Was he tall, thin and wearing a black robe with a white collar?" "No" replied the first, "He was short, fat, balding, and wore a brown robe." "Aha!" exclaimed the second, "There's your problem, you shouldn't have boiled him, that was a Friar!" >****************************************************** A man stops for a drink after a hard day of work. Not longafter he arrives at the bar, a strikingly beautiful woman walks into the room. She is so attractive that he can't avoid staring at her. Noticing his gaze, she walks over to him and quietly whispers, "For a hundred dollars, I'll do anything that you want ... anything, if you can tell me what you want, in only three words!" He thinks for a moment, then takes out his money and peels-off five $20 bills. As he puts the money in her hand, she says, "Now tell me what you want. But remember, you must tell me in only three words." With that, he moves close to her and whispers, "Paint my house." ******************************************************* Sally, Jessica, and Lil Shit Johnny's Older Brother, Peter Peter goes to an all-night orgy and gets really smashed. He wakes up the next morning with a painful erection and goes into the bathroom to take a whiz. To his horror he finds two rings around his member. One is bright red; the other is brown. Terrifed, he goes to the doctor to get checked out. The doctor examines him, takes some tests, etc, and then goes out for a little while. All the while, the guy is really sweating it out. After awhile the doctor comes back. "Well?" says Peter. "Am I gonna be all right?" "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news" says the doctor ... The red ring is lipstick. The brown one is Skoal!" ****************************************************** A minister was in a bad area of the country, income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, and the air conditioning didn't work. People simply wouldn't come because of the heat. And being so poor the church didn't have the money to pay to have repairs made. He decided before he resigned that he would take a quick trip to gather his courage for telling these folks goodbye. He went to Las Vegas and had just enough money to attend a cheap magician show. In the show the man was hypnotizing folks - making them act like chickens and monkeys. He was impressed. He met with the magician and ask him if he could teach him how to do this hypnotism thing. The man gave him a quick course and he couldn't wait to get back to his church. His first Sunday back, he told his audience that he wanted to tell them about his trip. Took out a watch and chain, and as he swung it back and forth, he talked softly as they went into a hypnotic trance. He then stated: "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20.00 in the plate. They did. He had the church's roof fixed that week. This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do it again. Taking his watch out he says I want to tell you some more things about my trip. This time he proclaimed, "I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop a $100 in the offering plate." They did. He got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone. His third Sunday, he got to thinking. I haven't been paid in a long time. I deserve a little money. Pulling his watch out he starts the swinging again, and as he is softly speaking he starts thinking. I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach. I deserve a lot more. He got so excited about what he was fixing to receive that his hands start sweating and as the watch slips from his grip, he yells: "Shit!" Took him two weeks to clean up the church. **************************************************** An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling. The old man is thinking... "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her." The old lady is thinkin... "Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties." ***************************************************** The Beer Prayer Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk), At home as it is in the pub. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager. Barmen. ****************************************************** Points to Ponder - Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. - One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. - Atheism is a nonprophet organization. - If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? - The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent. - Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. - Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? - On the other hand, you have different fingers. - Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer. - I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. - If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? ***************************************************************** Rodney Dangerfield - Still Funny! A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all. And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with. During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy ... Hey buddy ... why are you doing that for? He said ... Because you came home early. Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through. My mother had morning sickness after I was born. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide. On Halloween ... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year ... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different ... when I answer the door the kids hand me candy. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said ... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect. My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him ... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said ... all right ... you're ugly too! When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over and said ... Look ... twins! I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. ****************************************** Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please ..." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was ... well, good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..." ************************************************ HOW AGE CHANGES THINGS - Submitted by Shelicious A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asked his father, "Why there are so many different boxes of condoms?" The father replies "Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night. The son then asked his father, "Well what's the 6 pack for?" The father replies, "Well that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning." Then the son asked his father, "What's the 12 pack is for?" The father replies, "Well that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March ..." ****************************************** A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer." ********************************************************** Heaven was really busy. Three men stood outside the Pearly Gates, and there was only one spot left in Heaven. St. Peter told the men "The person who died most tragically will be let into Heaven, the other two will go to hell." He pointed to the first man, "How did you die?", he asks. The first guy says: "I suspected my wife of cheating on me with another man so I left work early to catch her in the act. When I arrived home into our apartment on the 12th floor of the building I saw my wife still in bed, so I began to search the apartment frantically looking for the guy my wife was having an affair with. I went out on the balcony and there was a man hanging off the edge. I started stomping on his fingers to make him let go and fall. He wouldn't let go so I went to get a hammer. After a few good pounds, he let go; but he fell safely into a bush on the sidewalk, so I grabbed my refrigerator and threw it down on him, killing him instantly. All the commotion caused me to have a heart attack and I died." "That's pretty tragic. What about you?" St. Peter said to the next man. He said: "I was tossing my dog's ball around in my apartment on the 13th floor of my apartment building and it went over the balcony. I dove after it but fell over myself. Luckily I grabbed the balcony of the apartment on the floor below mine, but some guy came out and started stepping on my fingers. After a while he left only to bring back a hammer to pound even harder. All the pain on my fingers caused me to lose my grip, and I fell towards the sidewalk below. Thankfully, I landed in a bush. But then I look up and see a refrigerator falling on my head. That's how I died. " "OK. Now you," St. Peter said to the last man. "Get this," he said, "I'm naked in a refrigerator ... " *************************************************************** Did you ever wonder? 1.If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter? 2.If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? 3.When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose? 4.How did a fool and his money GET together? 5.How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 6.If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? 7.What's another word for thesaurus? 8.Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injection? 9.Why is abbreviation such a long word? 10.Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 11.How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? 12.Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 13.When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? 14.Do blind eskimos have seeing eye sled dogs? 15.Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container? 16.What do they use to ship styrofoam? 17.Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? 18.Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? 19.If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? 20.What was the best thing before sliced bread? 21.Why what?.... you tell me. **************************************************************** Three guys are sitting in a bar having a few drinks together. One guy says, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild?" "Well," says the second guy, "After making love, I go out to to garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and sprinkle them all over her body. Then I blow them off with a soft breath that drives her wild." Next guy says, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!" Last guy says, "When me and the old lady are through, I jump out of bed and wipe my johnson on the curtain. Drives her fucking nuts!" ************************************************************* A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?" *********************************************************** My wife and I are inseparable. -In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog. Why do men die before their wives? -They want to. Why do men pass gas more than women? -Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." -She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." Do you know the punishment for bigamy? -Two mothers-in-law. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" -I said, Dust!" *********************************************8 Who is Jack Schitt? Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them. ************************************ A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her new groom, "Please be gentle ... I am still a virgin." The startled groom says "How can that be? You've been married twice ..." The bride responds ... "Well you see it was this way: My first husband, he was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about sex." Catching her breath, she says "My second husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was ... Oh God, I miss him!!" ********************************************* A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex with a married man because it would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem, he's not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again and being the only two on the bus they go in the back and take care of business. When they were done and he had resumed driving the bus driver said, "Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kid's." The nun replied, "That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party." ******************************************************* This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh ... well ... ah ... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!" **************************************************** A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town." ************************************************************** A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no," you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast. The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway ... about 15 ft. " That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro. ********************************************************* Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times" ******************************************************* Three were touring the White House on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid." So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900; $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700; $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700." The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri." ************************************************* This is a true story of something that happened just a few years ago at USC. There was a professor of philosophy there who was a deeply committed atheist. His primary goal for one required class was to spend the entire semester attempting to prove that God couldn't exist. His students were always afraid to argue with him because of his impeccable logic. For twenty years, he had taught this class and no one had ever had the courage to go against him. Sure, some had argues in class at times, but no one had ever really "gone against him". Nobody would go against him because he had a reputation. At the end of every semester, on the last day, he would say to his class of 300 students, "If there is anyone here who still believes in Jesus, stand up!" In twenty years, no one has ever stood up. They knew what he was going to do next. He would say, "because anyone who does believe in God is a fool. If God existed, he could stop this piece of chalk from hitting the ground and breaking. Such a simple task to prove that he is God, and yet he can't do it." and every year, he would drop the chalk onto the tile floor and it would shatter into a hundred pieces. All the students could do nothing but stop and stare. Most of the students were convinced that God couldn't exist. Certainly, a number of Christians had slipped through but for twenty years, they had been too afraid to stand up. Well, a few years ago, there was a freshman who happened to get enrolled in the class. He was a Christian, and had heard the stories about this professor. He had to take the class because it was one of the required classes for his major, and he was afraid. But for 3 months that semester, he prayed every morning that he would have the courage to stand up no matter what the professor said or what the class thought. Nothing they said or did could ever shatter his faith, he hoped. Finally the day came. The professor said, "If there is anyone here who still believes in God, stand up!!!" The professor and the class of 300 people looked at him, shocked, as he stood up at the back of the classroom. The professor shouted, "You FOOL!!!!! If God existed, he could keep this piece of chalk from breaking when it hits the ground!" He proceeded to drop the chalk, but as he did, it slipped out of his fingers, off his shirt cuff, onto the pleats of his pants, down his leg, and off his shoe. As it his the ground, it simply rolled away, unbroken. The professor's jaw dropped as he stared at the chalk. He looked up at the young man and then ran out of the lecture hall. The young man who had stood up proceeded to walk to the front of the room and share his faith in Jesus for the next half hour. 300 students stayed and listened as he told of God's love for them and of his power through Jesus. "Yet to all who received Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of GOD -- children not born of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of GOD." "But He knows the way I take. When He has tested me. I will come forth as gold." Job 23:10 Please continue to pass this on from one Christian to the next as a message of encouragement and hope. *****WOULD YOU HAVE STOOD UP?***** ********************************************************* Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... 7 ... 8 ... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples." ****************************************************