Gawain, Arthur and the Witch Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed. The Question: What do Women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur as horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises . . . He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night? What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice. . . . . . Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life. What is the moral of this story? THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH

Doing the Dishes A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner. "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape. "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline. The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word. "Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence. Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

The First Time A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Pop, what do I do first?" "Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "What do I do?" he asks. His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"

Santa\'s Dilemma Santa's Dilemma" A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away." Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know." The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..." Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know." The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay." Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know." She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...." Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!"

What Size Am I? The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked how big I was and I said, "Compared to what?" She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that." Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that." Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm about that big." She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium."

Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stall-Mate Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, 'may I borrow a highlighter?' Say, 'uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.' Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. Say, 'Damn, this water's cold.' Drop a marble and say, 'Oh No! My glass eye!' Say, 'Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.' Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh relaxingly. Say, 'Now how did that get in there.' Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbor's while yelling, 'Whoa! Easy boy!' Say, 'Interesting............. more floaters than sinkers.'' Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor. Then say, 'Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?' Say, 'C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me now.' Say, 'Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?' Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, 'Peek-a-boo!' Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing 'Born Free.'

21 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator 1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" 2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?" 4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. 9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I've got new socks on!" 10. Meow occasionally. 11. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 12. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. 13. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 14. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers. 15. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?" 16. Say "Ding!" at each floor. 17. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. 18. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 19. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." 20. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 21. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

Sherlock\'s Observations "Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench. "Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed." "Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?" "Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it in one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces." "The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth." "Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?" "Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

Put Out or Get Out On a sunny summer afternoon, a truck driver and his pet parrot "Petey" are cruising cross country in their semi. Suddenly, the trucker spies a hot teenage girl along the roadside. He immediately pulls his truck to the side of the road. "Do you need a ride?" he asks. "Yeah" says the girl, climbing anxiously into the cab. As they're progressing down the highway, the trucker asks the girl if she'd like to get in the back and screw. "Hell no!" says the girl. "Well," says the truck driver as he pulls his truck to the side of the road, "No fuck, no ride." He abruptly kicks the girl out of his rig. A short while later, the driver spots another fine teenage girl along the roadside. Again he offers a ride, and again his offer is accepted graciously. After a while, the truck driver asks the girl if she'd like to get in the back and screw. "Not for my life!" says the girl. "Well," says the truckdriver, "No fuck, no ride." He pulls over and tells the girl to get out. Before long, the trucker spies a third teenage cutie along the roadside. He offers her a ride and she accepts. A few miles go by and the trucker decides to try his luck again. "Do you want to get in the back and screw?" he says. "Sure! Lets do it!" replies the girl. At this point, the trucker takes Petey and puts him in the trailer with his cargo. He then proceeds to make mad love to the minor in his cab. Upon finishing the deed, the girl says that she doesn't really need to go any farther. This is fine with the trucker, so he lets her out and continues down the road. Before long, he starts to get a really guilty conscience about what he did. "What if that girl reports me???" he thinks to himself. No sooner did that thought cross his mind when he noticed a police cruiser behind him with it's lights flashing and sirens blaring. "Oh great," the trucker thinks to himself, "maybe she did report me." "What's the problem officer?" says the truck driver to the policeman. "No problem really, other than the fact that you're losing your cargo out the back door... I just thought I'd let you know." "Oh shit!" says the truck driver upon realizing that he forgot to bring Petey back up front. The trucker and the cop walk around to the back of the trailer, and sure enough, there's Petey... throwing the frozen chicken cargo out of the back while cawing "No fuck, no ride!"

Farting Your Guts Out Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work. Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!" One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself. Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours. She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."

Grandma Buys a Bumper Sticker Grandma writes: The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"! Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Love ya all, Grandma

Top 20 Things to Do in a Drive-Thru 1. Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order 2. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for. 3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window. 4. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight. 5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped. 6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in. 7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on. 8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup. 9. Ask how they fit into that little box. 10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on. 11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "May I take your order?" 12. When asked if they can take your order say "No, why can I take yours?" 13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you. 14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away. 15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom. 16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it. 17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene. 18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it. 19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare. 20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

Office Antics Office work dull?...None of your colleagues appreciate your humour? Amuse yourself. Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You can award yourself extra points for creative execution. ONE-POINT GAGS Run one lap around the office at top speed Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no Player' must be in the bathroom at the time) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye" To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!" Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way" Walk sideways to the photocopier. While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. THREE-POINT GAGS Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it" Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight). Shout random numbers while someone is counting. FIVE POINT GAGS At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two". After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and utter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!" At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again". In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights". Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?" Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it." Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out. Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets.

Hillbillies In The White House (Sung to the "Beverly Hillbillies" Theme) ** Warning: The following song is not politically correct. Well dere once was a story 'bout a man named Bill Da poor President couldn't keep his "willie" still But den one day he was workin' at his desk, When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest... Boobs, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta ta's. Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees, Her mouth wide open and as happy as you please; Bill sez, "Oh yeah, mama, now just don't say a thing," "If you do a real good job then we'll have a little fling." B.J., that is. Phalli osculation. Stars and Stripes Forever. Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress, He said, "Clean it up, 'cuz you really are a mess, And you're invited here to dis fine locality, To have a heapin' helpin' of little Willie C." Da wiener, that is. Da presidential staff. Air Force One. So week after week, Monica is on her knees Keepin' Willie and his Wiener just as happy as you please, But then she figured out dat the fling had gone too far, And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr. Bad girl, that is. Tape recorder. Fine clothes. Well it didn't take too long until we all knew the score, 'bout all da stuff dat went down dere behind da oval door, Now da country's in da toilet and da people cry, "No More!" But if we oust da cheatin' jerk, we gotta live with Gore. Boob, that is. Tennessee Al. Mister Tipster. So now ya know da story 'bouta Bill our President, Still wonderin' if dis fling is gonna cost him every cent. So da moral of da story is to do it quietly, And only show your Air Force One within your family.

The Washcloth This little boy walked in on his mom in the bathroom and noticed the hair on her private area. The little boy asked, "Mommy, what is that?" She replied, "this is my washcloth." The little boy went on his way. One evening the woman and her husband were beginning to make love and he asked her to do something different and shave her hair off. She agreed. A week or so after that the little boy had walked in on his mother again but this time she didn't have any hair. So the little boy asked with concern, "Mommy, what happen to your washcloth?" She replied, "I lost it." Later that day the little boy came running up to his mom and said, "Mommy, I found your washcloth." She replied confused, "Where did you find it?" He told her that the lady next door was washing Daddy's face with it!

Checking the Caps Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch. The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time. The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?" Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole."

Virgin A woman & her best friend are shopping for a wedding gown. Surprised at her choice, the friend exclaims, "you can't be serious, how can you wear white?" The woman asks why not? "Well", said the friend, "this is your FOURTH wedding and you're not a virgin!" "Oh, but I am" replied the woman. "How can that be? "My 1st husband was a Gynecologist, and all he wanted to do was look at it. My 2nd husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My 3rd husband was a contractor & never showed up. But don't worry. This time I'm marrying a lawyer & I know I'll get screwed!"

Top 10 - Why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex 10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are. 5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2) Less guilt the morning after. 1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

Priest, Minister and Rabbi - Cover Your Face A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

Virgins A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way." The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "And look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

This Is Your Captain Speaking A Boeing 747 was just coming in to land at New York when the co pilot asked the pilot, "Frank, what are you going to do when we get to the 'Big Apple'?" The pilot replied, "Well I'm gonna make love to Suzy our blonde stewardess and give her a night to remember. But before I even think about that I'm gonna take a real good shit!" Unfortunately, the pilot left the intercom on and this piece of information was relayed to the amused passengers and to the horrified Suzy who was at the back of the plane. As she rushed up the plane to tell her lover that the intercom was on, she tripped in her haste and fell flat on her face in the aisle. A little old lady in the adjoining seat looked down at the stewardess and said sympathetically, "Ain't no rush, honey, he's going for a shit first!"

Johnny and the Fat Lady Lil' Johnny's mother took him with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business suit, complete with a pager. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT." The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received a quiet reprimand. After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that* wide." At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son. Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her rude child and his mother threatened him with his very life and existence. Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone. Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MOM, SHE'S BACKING UP!"

The Cat and the Rooster There are four animals. A rooster, a rat, a worm, and a cat. In the middle of them is a pond. Every time the rooster tries to go around the pond to get the worm everyone moves around. If he goes the other way the same thing happens. So he decides to go over the pond. He gets a big run, jumps, and flaps his wings and gets over and gets the worm. He is very happy. The cat (who really wants to get the rat) decides to try the same trick. He gets a run then suddenly stops right at the edge. It is too far of a jump. So he gets a bigger run and SPLASH, right in the middle of the pond. The Moral of this story is "Whenever there is a happy cock there is a wet pussy."

A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. He drank half and then poured the rest on his hand. He ordered another and the bartender got kind of suspicious. He did the same, drank half and poured the rest on his hand. He ordered a third, and then the bartender finally asks, "Excuse me, but why do you keep drinking half your beer and then pour the rest on your hand?" The guy, irritated, replied, "Can't you see that my date and I are trying to have a drink?!"

A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding, she tells each one to write to her about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going. The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE". Mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: "Good to the last drop..." So, Mother is happy. Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message That reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, the Mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother is happy. Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. After four weeks came the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS". And mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

A Riddle: At the exact same time, there are two young men, Eddie and George, on opposite sides of the earth. Eddie is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, George is getting a blow job from a 90 year old woman. However, they are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing. What are they both thinking? Answer:Don't look down.

A man walked into a church, stepped into the confessional and said to the priest, Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them... twice." The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never, Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "I'm telling everybody."

All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts.
This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differs, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside.
Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Accountants." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Engineers." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as ... "Mr. President."

----FACTS------------------------ Kinsey Report - "Sexual Behavior In The Human Male" 98% of males (including married men) admitted to masturbating. Average: 3 times per week. (and,... 85% admitted premarital sex; 50% admitted adultery) (Kinsey, et al. 1948) Current population - 134,349,027 *MEN* in the United States (www.census.gov 7PM-EST 02/01/2000) ----ASSUMPTION------------------- It takes at least ten minutes (on average) for a man to masturbate. ----LET'S DO THE NUMBERS--------- 134,349,027 men in the United States X 3 wack-offs/week = 403,047,081 wack-offs/week 6 ten-minute-periods/hour X 24hours/day X 7days/week = 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week 403,047,081 wack-offs/week / 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week = 399,848 wack-offs/ten-minute-period 399,848 wack-offs/ten-minute-period X 98% (Kinsey Factor) = 391,851 wack-offs/ten-minute-period ----CONCLUSION------------------- At any given moment (on average), 391,851 men in the United States are wacking-off. So,... be careful who you shake hands with!

Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 min. The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes. Since the average lenth of a penis is 6 inches the average girl receives 216 inches or 18 feet per intercourse. The average girl does it about three times a week, 52 weeks annually. 156 x 18 feet makes 2808 feet or just over a half of a mile.
So girl, if you are not getting your half mile every year,... why not let the man who sent you this e-mail, help you catch up!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he: could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. I I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and tool a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
  • 1. Sip the vodka , don't gulp.
  • 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  • 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
  • 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  • 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
  • 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the Late JC.
  • 7. The Father, Son, and The Holy Ghost are not referred to as the Daddy, Junior, and The Spook.
  • 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
  • 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
  • 10. We don't refer to the cross as the Big "T".
  • 11. When Jesus broke his bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat Me."
  • 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
  • 13. The recommended grace before the meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
  • 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at the St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

    The Lucky Frog

    A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron"
    The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
    They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now,this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
    He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
    "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

    There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!--knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
    The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
    So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.
    The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and --WHAM!!!"-- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!
    The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears."

    A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy!" so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.
    Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures, "What the heck..." and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
    The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen Mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
    The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought *you* were trying to give her back to me!"

    A man and wife and their little boy went to the beach for vacation. The wife was unpacking while the man went to swim. A few minutes later the husband came back in and said, "Honey, this is a nude beach!" threw his trunks on the bed and rushed back out. His wife continued unpacking while the son went out on the balcony to look at the beach. A few minutes later he came back in and said, "Mommy why are some of the women's chests bigger than the others?" And the mom said, "That's just the way they are, but the bigger the chest, the dumber the woman." The little boy went back outside, but came in again and said, "Mommy, why are some of the men's penises bigger than the others?" And the mom said, "That's just the way it is, but the bigger the penis, the dumber the man." So the little boy goes out again. A few minutes later he comes back and says, "Mommy, daddy's talking to a real dumb woman and he's getting dumber and dumber!"

    Jack and Jill are employees Acme Company. Both have been model employees and have been much valued by the firm. However, due to financial setbacks, the company has no choice but to let one of them go.
    Their boss decides on a plan. He will watch Jack closely for one day, monitoring his performance. The next day, he will similarly scrutinize Jill. Then he will announce which one he is going to keep and which one will have to be fired.
    The first day, Jack comes in early. He works hard all morning, not even taking a coffee break. He skips lunch. He works hard all afternoon, doesn't spend any time on the phone, and leaves late.
    Noticing this, the boss begins to think, "If they're both such diligent workers, the choice is going to be even harder."
    The next day, Jill comes in late, complaining of a headache. She takes some aspirin and hangs out at the water fountain talking to her friends. She takes an extra long coffee break. She leaves early for lunch, and comes back late. She's unproductive in the afternoon, spending much of her time calling her friends and telling them how miserable she feels. She takes some more aspirin and leaves early.
    The boss takes note of this and his mind is made up. So the next day, the boss calls Jill into his office. He tells her, "Jill, you know I either have to lay you or Jack off."
    And she replies, "Well, you're going to have to jack off because I've got a headache."

    FUCK YOU

    Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English language today is the word "FUCK". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate. In language, "FUCK" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck!! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjuction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid).
    As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word ---FUCK
    Aside from its sexual connections, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
  • 1. Greeting: "How the fuck are ya?"
  • 2. Fraud: "I got fucked by the car dealer."
  • 3. Resignation: "Oh, fuck it!"
  • 4. Trouble: "I guess I'm fucked now."
  • 5. Aggression: "FUCK YOU!"
  • 6. Disgust: "Fuck me."
  • 7. Confusion: "What the fuck......?"
  • 8. Difficulty: "I don't understand the fucking business!"
  • 9. Despair: "Fucked again....."
  • 10. Pleasure: "I fucking couldn't be happier."
  • 11. Displeasure:"What the fuck is going on here?"
  • 12. Lost: "Where the fuck are we?"
  • 13. Disbelief: "UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!"
  • 14. Retaliation: "Up your fucking ass!"
  • 15. Denial: "I didn't fucking do it."
  • 16. Perplexity: "I know fuck all about it."
  • 17. Apathy: "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
  • 18. Suspicion: "Who the fuck are you?"
  • 19. Panic: "Let's get the fuck out of here."
  • 20. Directions: "Fuck off!"
  • 21. Disbelief: "How the fuck did you do that?"
  • 22. It can be used in an anatomical descripton: "He's a fucking asshole"
  • 23. It can be used to tell time: "It's five fucking thirty."
  • 24. It can be used in business: "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
  • 25. It can be maternal: "Motherfucker!"
  • 26. It can be political: "Fuck Bill Clinton!"
    It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
  • "What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima
  • "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" General Custer
  • "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic
  • "That's not a real fucking gun." John Lennon
  • "Who's gonna fucking find out?" Richard Nixon
  • "Heads are going to fucking roll." Anne Boleyn
  • "Let the fucking woman drive." Capt. of Valuejet airliner departing Florida
  • "What fucking map?" "Challenger", Mark Thatcher
  • "Any fucking idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein
  • "It does so fucking look like her!" Picasso
  • "How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras
  • "You want what on the fucking ceiling?" Michaelangelo
  • "Fuck a duck." Walt Disney
  • "Why?....Because its fucking there!" Edmund Hilary
  • "I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" Joan of Arc
  • "Scattered fucking showers my fucking ass." Noah
  • "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." John F. Kennedy

    A man walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "Give me two beers!" The man guzzled them both down quickly and slams both bottles onto the bar.
    "What's the matter?" asked the bartender.
    "I just found our my brother is gay," said the man.
    Two days later the same man goes to the same bar and says, "Give me four beers!" The man tossed each one down and sets each bottle back onto the bar.
    "What's wrong with you?" askes the same bartender.
    "I just found out my other brother is gay," said the man.
    "You must not be having a very good week," said the bartender.
    Two weeks later, the man comes back to the bar and says, "Give me six beers!" and he finishes off every last one.
    "What is it this time?" asked the bartender, "Two weeks ago you come in here saying your one brother is gay, then two days later you come in and say your other brother is gay. Doesn't anyone in your family like women???"
    "YEAH, MY SISTER!!!"

    Children's Books That Were Banned Last Year

  • Dad's New Wife Timothy
  • Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games
  • Maybe Dick
  • The Boy Who Ate Spinach...And Lived To Tell About It
  • How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
  • Safe Sex And The Zip-Lock bag
  • Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets
  • Egghead - And Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty
  • The Complete Set Of "Mother Got Goosed" Nursery Rhymes
  • Those Great Childhood Fragrances...Apple Pie, Cotton Candy And Bicycle Seats
  • Bert and Ernie's Kama Sutra
  • Bi/Curious George
  • Heather Has Two Mommies, A Pet Anteater, and A Jar Of Honey
  • L'il Adolph and His Pals
  • One Fish, Two Fish, Outboard Motor, No Fish
  • Shooting Up for Dummies
  • The Junior Anarchist's Cookbook
  • The Bad Boy Who Caused His Parents' Divorce
  • The Magic School Bus goes to Hell
  • Thomas The Tank Engine Meets Anna Karenina.
  • Viagra vs. Chemical Castration: Can I Still Play Next Door?

    THE CREATION OF A PUSSY Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,created a pussy to their design. First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit, Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole, Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within, Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without, Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell, Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee, Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.

    "Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day" 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6. Cross their legs without rearranging. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more Without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too. and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina 1. Finally find that damned G-spot.!!!!!

    Did I have a fun weekend? Well, let's put it this way My dick was hurting until Wednesday, so... YEAH, I had a fun weekend!

    Not long after his marriage, Ernie Junior and his father Ernie senior, met for lunch. "Well son," asked Ernie senior, "How is married life treating you?" "Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior, "It seems I married a nun." "A nun?" his father questioned. "That's right," moaned Ernie junior, "None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!" Ernie senior nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times. "Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?" Young Ernie smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!" "Fine," replied Ernie senior, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates." xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx A stagecoach bounced down a rutted road, heading for Dallas. In the coach were a Texan, a very busty lady, and a greenhorn from the East. The greenhorn kept eyeing the lady. Finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you ten dollars for a blowjob." The Texan was appalled. He pulled out his pistol, shot the greenhorn right between the eyes, and shoved his body out the door. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, sir, for defending my honor!" The Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! Just trying to keep down inflation. Around here, a blowjob goes for two dollars."

    10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all- knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

    Buzzzzzzz One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

    Children\'s Proverbs A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with: People in glass houses shouldn't . . . run around naked. Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader. Strike while the . . . bug is close. It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings time. Never underestimate the power of . . . termites. You can lead a horse to water but . . . how? Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty. No news is . . . impossible. A miss is as good as a . . . Mr. You can't teach an old dog . . . math. If you lie down with dogs, you . . . will stink in the morning. Love all, trust . . . me. The pen is mightier than . . . the pigs. An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax. Where there is smoke, there is . . . pollution. Happy is the bride who . . . gets all the presents. A penny saved is . . . not much. Two is company, three is . . . The Musketeers. None are so blind as . . . Helen Keller. Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded. If at first you don't succeed . . . get new batteries. You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the box. When the blind lead the blind . . . get out of the way. There is no fool like . . . Aunt Edie.

    Health Plans...HMO vs. PPO The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry", said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

    Never Give a Frog as a Gift A woman is shopping for a pet, as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices this pet shop are charging seem very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back, that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog. Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs." The woman is stunned, but as her husband loves this sort of sex, and she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep, happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans, and pouring over cookbooks. "What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your sorry @ss is out of here!"

    The wife & the mailman It's near christmas & the mailman is delivering packages. A woman opens the door in a sexy neglige and invites him in. Surprised, he follows her to the bedroom where they proceed to have sex. After it's over, the woman hands him a dollar. The mailman, puzzled, asked why? The woman replied, "well, while I was making my shopping list I asked my husband, honey, what should we give that nice mailman for christmas?" and he replied, "fuck the mailman, give him a dollar!"

    Morning Wood *** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING *** (the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom): Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something. You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted. After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep. Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood". Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her . . . look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood". Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet. I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee. So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!

    Honeymoon Jitters A couple is on their honeymoon. It's the first time they have ever slept together. The new wife goes into the bathroom to prepare herself. She comes out of the bathroom looking really hot. The new husband is lying on the bed. He looks up and says, "If you think I'm gonna stick my thing in there, your crazy!" The wife replies," But that's what your supposed to do on your honeymoon night." "No way, I'm not gonna do it." The wife replies, "Why?" "Because if I stick it in there, you'll bite it off." The wife laughs and says, "Where did you hear such a thing?" "My mother told me that women have teeth down there." "Oh honey, your mother just told you that because she didn't want you to have pre-marital sex. It will be fine." To this the husband replied," No way, my mother wouldn't lie to me." "Okay then, let me show you there are no teeth." She layed on the bed a spread her legs for her husband and said, "See. No teeth." To this the husband said, "Well no wonder you don't have any teeth, look at the horrible shape your gums are in."

    Noah\'s Ark The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man." Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system. "My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board. Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls. "Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. "Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being. Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe! "Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years." With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord. "The government already has."

    Man in the Theater A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

    Texas Rodeo Style Two texans were talking about their favorite sexual position. One texan said his favorite sexual position was "rodeo". The other texan said, "Rodeo? I don't believe I've ever heard of the rodeo position. What is it?" The other texan said, "It's like this son. When my wife and I are making love doggy style, and she's about ready to orgasm, I lean over and whisper in her ear, that this is exactly how her sister likes doing it, and then I try to hold on for the next eight seconds.

    What Can You Get for a Tenner? A bloke is desperate for sex but he only has 5 pounds to his name. He decides to go and see the madam at the local brothal. When he tells her of his lack of funds, she shows him to a small room and points to a chicken in the corner after some thought he decides to accept and it turns out to be the best sex he has ever had. About a week later he returns with 10 pounds in his pocket and asks what she can do for him this time. He is shown to a large room with several benches and a two way mirror, through which he is invited to watch two lesbians having sex. After half an hour he nudges the bloke next him and says "What excellent value for a tenner." The bloke replies, "Yeah! But you should have been here last week. We had some bloke having sex with a chicken!

    Grandma Buys a Bumper Sticker Grandma writes: The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"! Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Love ya all, Grandma

    Roping One day a young cowboy, and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asked, "What are they doing?" The Husband answers "They're roping" "I see" replies the bride. After a few more hours of driving they see two horses having sex, Again the bride asks "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" She replies "Oh ,I see." Finally they arrive at their hotel. They washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each others bodies. The bride discovers her husbands penis. "Whats is that?" "Thats is my rope." he answers. She slides her hand down a little further and gasps, "Whats are those?" "They are my knots" he answers. Finally the couple begin to make love. After several minutes the bride says "Stop honey, wait a minute!" Her husband asked "Whats the matter honey?" The bride replies "Undo those knots, I need more rope!"

    Church Bulletin Bloopers This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers: * Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High". * Don't let worry kill you--let the church help. * Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. * For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. * Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. * Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy! * The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. * This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. * Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. * This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. * The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. * Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so. * The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. * Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. * Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. * The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. * At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. * During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit. * The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience. * The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens. * The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. * The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. * Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. * Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child. * Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

    Lawyer One-Liners What do lawyers use for birth control? * Their personalities. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? * A tick falls off of you when you die. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? * To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? * Not enough sand. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? * There are skid marks in front of the skunk. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? * A Doberman. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? * If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. What do lawyers and sperm have in common? * One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? * They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. Lawyer's creed: * A man is innocent until proven broke. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? * Lipstick. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? * Skeet. What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? * Chelsea Clinton If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him? * It might be your bicycle. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? * The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures. It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) * ...... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?" You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? * You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

    The Wit and the Wisdom of Homer Simpson *"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs." *"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen." *"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine." *"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel." *"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers." *"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!" *"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'" *"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life: Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'" *"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda." *"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'" *"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get." *"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such." *"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way." *"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?" *"Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!" *"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"

    Stand Outside There was a man who had just gotten married and was spending his wedding night with his new wife in a very posh hotel. It was to be the first time that he had ever had sex with his partner, indeed he had never even seen her nude. As they were both undressing, he looked up from taking off his socks to notice that she did in fact have very large breasts. He said as much to her, but the poor girl, who had always had a bit of a complex about them, got very distraught. So much so that she sent him, blanket in hand, to go and sleep in the corridor. The man was pretty upset at this, but, not wishing to fuel her anger further, did as he was told. Just as he was getting off to sleep, another man came into the corridor and joined him. The first man asked the second why he was out there, to which the second replied that he was also on his wedding night and had never had the pleasure of seeing his new wife's body before either. When she was undressing, he had complemented her on having a rather large bum. She hadn't been impressed with his comment, and had ordered him to go and sleep in the corridor. It wasn't long before jilted honeymooner number three sulkily sauntered along to join the other two. "What's wrong with you?" Asked the first. "Did you put your foot in it as well?" "No," replied the third, "but I bloody well could have..."

    Scared Straight Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior". Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"

    Observations from Across the Nation "Friends don't let friends take home ugly men" ---Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE "The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open." ---Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL "Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die." ---Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL "Beauty is only a light switch away." --->Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina. "I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards." ---Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts. "If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives." ---Armand's Pizza. Washington, DC Remember, it's not, "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?" ---Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia. "God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?" ---The Irish Times. Washington, DC "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity." ---The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana. "No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit." ---Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina. "At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry." ---Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona. "It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere." ---Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona. "If voting could really change things, it would be illegal." ---Revolution Books. New York, New York. "A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it." ---Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas. "Express Lane: Five beers or less." ---Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's. Phoenix, AZ. "If you love your boyfriend, have some class. Dont write his name where you wipe your ass."

    Three Labrador Retrievers There are three Labrador retrievers itting in the waiting room at the vet's a black lab, a brown lab and a yellow lab. The black lab turns to the brown lab and says, "Why are you here?" The brown lab says, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything. I pissed on my owners sofa, their carpets, their drapes, but the last straw was when I pissed in the middle of their bed." The black lab says, "What is the vet going to do to you?" And the brown lab says, sadly, "Lethal injection." Then the brown lab asks the black, "Why are you here?" The black lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, I dig up the flowers, the bushes. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets but the last straw was when I dug a big hole in my owner's sofa." The brown lab says, "What's the vet going to do to you?" And the black lab says sadly, "Lethal injection." Then the black and brown labs turn to the yellow lab and ask, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, "I'm a humper. I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, the dining room table, a fire hydrant. Whatever I see, I want to hump. Why, last week, my owner had taken a shower and was drying her toes and I couldn't help it, I just hopped on her back and humped her." The black lab says, "So you're here for a lethal injection, too?" "No, I'm getting my nails clipped."

    Witness Interviews Gone Bad Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the court room. Perhaps they ain't so bright after all. 1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" 2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?" 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?" 4. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere." 5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?" 6. "Did he kill you?" 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" 8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?" 10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?" 11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?" 12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?" 13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir." Q: "And you took your new wife?" 14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?" 15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male, or a female?" 16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work." 17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people." 18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral." 19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy." 20. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood."

    Old Lady One day, a little old lady walked into a sex shop. The clerk couldn't help notice her, first, because she reminded him of his dear old grandmother, and second because she was twitching violently and trembling, as if she had some kind of nervous disorder. "Young m-m-m-man?" she stammered to the clerk, "Do you sell v-v-v-vibrators here?" "Yes ma'am, we do," he replied, a little embarrassed. "B-b-b-big fl-fl-fluorescent oh-oh-orange ones?" "Yes ma'am, we have some like that." "The t-t-type about s-s-s-sixteen inches l-l-l-l-long?" "Yes ma'am. We've got just about any size you'd want." "The k-k-kind that t-t-t-t-takes eight D-D-D Cell b-b-b-b-batteries?" "Yes ma'am we carry some like that." "Well, c-could you t-t-t-tell me how the f-f-fuck you turn it off?"

    Which Way To Heaven One day, a sunday-school teacher asked her students what they thought going to heaven would be like. Little Suzy answered: "I think you go up head-first, because your head is where you think about God." Then little Joseph raised his hand and said: "I think you go up heart-first, because God lives in your heart." Then little Tommy says: "I think you go up feet-first!" The teacher asked him: "Why do you believe this, Tommy?" To which Tommy replied: "Because I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom and saw mommy sticking her feet into the air saying 'Oh God, I'm coming!' and if daddy hadn't been lying on top of her, she would have floated away for sure!"

    Relationship with God 77 year old Morris went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Cohen said, "Morris everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with yourself, and have a good relationship with God?" Morris replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, *poof* . . . the light goes on when I go to the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off!" "Wow," commented Dr. Cohen, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Cohen called Morris's wife. "Becky," he said, "Morris is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off?" Becky replied, "The darn fool! . . . He's peeing in the fridge again!"

    The Flood One day there was this preacher and he was having his usual sermon when all of a sudden it started raining, really, really, hard After about 1 full hour of complete non-stop rain, they started making evacuations because the whole church was flooding, but the preacher just stood there in the ankle-deep water. A guy in a car came up to him and said. "Preacher,Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" But the preacher just replied "Don't worry God will save me." The man then said "Whatever!" and drove away. The water was now knee-deep and a guy in a raft came over to the Preacher and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" Despite the second warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." The man then said "Whatever" and rowed away in the orange raft. The water was now waist-deep and a guy in a power boat came to the Preacher and said "Preacher,Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" Despite the third warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." With that the man said "Whatever!" and jetted away in the power boat. The water was now neck-deep and a guy in a helicopter came and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get your butt in here before you drown" The man still just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." And with that the man said "Whatever" and flew away. The water then got so deep that the Preacher was sucked under and died. When he opened his eyes he noticed that he was in heaven. He then saw God and asked "God! Why didn't you save me from that horrible flood?!?" God then replied, " I sent you a car,a raft,a power boat, and a helicopter! What else do you want from me?"

    The Herpies Priest One day a lady went into a confesional and said to the father. Father I called a man a son of a bitch. can i be forgiven. The father then replied what did he do to you. She retold the story. I was walking down the street when a man came up to me and grabed my ass. the preist interupts and grabs her ass and says "Like this" she says "yes just like that" the priest replies well that is no reason to call him a son of a bitch." So she went on then he grabed my breast. is it ok now. Like this said the priest as he grabbed her breast. Yes just like that. Is it ok now. No replied the priest. She then proceeded. Then he stuck his dick in my pussy. Like this replied the priest, as he stuck his dick in her pussy. Yes she said. Is it ok now. No that is still no reason to call him a son of a bitch. She then told him the last part. Then he told me he had herpies. The priest replied "why that son of a bitch!"

    Divert Your Course This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!

    Name This man walks into a bar and two steps he realizes that it's a gay bar. But the man really wants a drink so he goes in anyway. The man walks up to the bartender and says, "I'd like a beer." And the bartender replys, "I can't give you a drink until you tell me the name of your penis." The man is very confused, so he turns to the guy on his right and asks him, "What's the name of your penis?" And the guy replys, "Timex.... Takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'" So then the man turns to the guy on his left and asks him, "What's the name of your peinis?" And the man replys, "Energizer... It keeps going and going and....." So the man finally understands what is going on, and he says to the bartender, "The name of my penis is Secret." And the bartender asks "Why?" And the man replys, "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."

    In The Army Now There was this guy who just got sent to the Sahara Desert for his tour of duty. Once he was over there for a while he began to get real horney. He went to see the captain in the head tent. He told the captain that he really needed a woman. The captain told him he could use the camel in the other tent. The guy said thanks but no thanks I'll just wait. So he went on about his business. A few weeks went by and the need for a woman returned even more prominent than before. He headed back to the captains tent to talk to him about it again. The captain then said the same thing concerning the use of the camel. The guy declined again and again left the captains tent feeling very bad. A few more weeks go by and the guy just cant take it anymore. He heads back to the captains tent fully intending to use the camel as the captain had offered twice before. He walks in and tells the captain that he'll take the camel and then asks where it is? The captain and his friend show the guy to the tent where the camel is being kept. The guy sizes up the camel trying to figure out just how hes going to do this. All the while the captain and his friend stand behind the curtain and watch. The guy climbs up on the camels back and takes his dick out and stick it in and begins to have sex with the camel. He then hears loud peels of laughter coming from the other side of the curtain. He yells for the captain and the captain comes out. The guy asks whats so funny? The captain looks at his friend and chokes out that most guys just get on the camel and ride it into town.

    Painful Flushes A drunk man in a bar asks the bartender where the bathroom was. The bartender gives the man directions the man to the bathroom. A few minutes later, everybody at the bar hears a loud scream from out of the bathroom and wonders what the Hell is going on in there. A few minutes go by and, again, everybody at the bar hears another loud scream coming from the bathroom. This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He knocks on the door and asks the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!" The drunk says, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the Hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, "Well, no wonder, you're sitting on the mop bucket!"

    Voodoo Dick Voodoo Dick There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing,nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoodick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he wasgone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how toshut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right... Voodoo dick, my ass!"

    Midget Nuns Two drunken salesmen knock loudly on the door of a convent until one of the rudely awakened nuns answers the door by saying, "May I help you?" The larger of the two salesmen slurs his words asking, "Do you haaave annny mid.., err, midg... midget nuns?" The nun, taken aback, answers, "Why no we don't." The large salesman says again, "Are you sure?" The nun answers again by saying "Yes." The large saleman demands to speak to the mother superior and creates such a ruckus that the mother superior shows up at the door as well. The large salesman asks her, "Do you have or do you know of any other convents hearabouts that have a midget nun?" The mother superior answers, "No we don't have, I don't know any and I am quite sure that there are none in the area as I know all the nuns from each of convents. So please tell us what this is all about." At this point the larger salesman turns to the smaller one and slaps him then yells at him: "You see!, I told you so!, You fucked a penguin you drunk bastard!"

    12 Things NOT to Say To a Police Officer 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are You Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary! 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. 12. When the Officer says "Gee Son . . . your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

    An Unusual Wedding A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom's families had a storming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court." The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened." The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK." "Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick in her privates." The Judge instantly responded... "Wow.. that must have hurt!" Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers!"

    Peace on You (Must be read with and Italian accent) One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy

    Got Milk? A man walks into a T-Shirt store and on the walls there where three t-shirts on display for sale. The first row had the picture of Richard Nixon with a thin white mustache and below the picture it was titled: GOT MILK The second row of shirts were the picture of Ronald Reagan with the white mustache and it was titled: FORGOT MILK And the third was of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache and under her it was titled: NOT MILK

    Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother. 'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and gettin all out of breath. His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I shouldtell her about the ones down at the lake. Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

    Little Johnny, a fifth grade student has a penis so large, his parents warned him not to have anything to do with girls. They cautioned him he could easily kill someone. Through the grapevine, his teacher learns about his unusual size, keeps him after school and suggests they have sex. He refuses expressing concern he might kill her. She laughs and scoffs at the idea and says she will elect to be on top, in complete control, and nothing bad can happen. He reluctantly agrees but the teacher experiences such wonderful sensations, she faints from pure joy. Thinking he's killed her, Johnny runs from the class room sobbing and crying, "Oh my God!... I killed her! I killed her!" All of a sudden he stops dead in his tracks, and breathes a sigh of relief he says, "Wait just a minute! I didn't kill her. The dumb bitch committed suicide!"

    Roping One day a young cowboy, and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asked, "What are they doing?" The Husband answers "They're roping" "I see" replies the bride. After a few more hours of driving they see two horses having sex, Again the bride asks "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" She replies "Oh ,I see." Finally they arrive at their hotel. They washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each others bodies. The bride discovers her husbands penis. "Whats is that?" "Thats is my rope." he answers. She slides her hand down a little further and gasps, "Whats are those?" "They are my knots" he answers. Finally the couple begin to make love. After several minutes the bride says "Stop honey, wait a minute!" Her husband asked "Whats the matter honey?" The bride replies "Undo those knots, I need more rope!"

    Church Bulletin Bloopers This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers: * Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High". * Don't let worry kill you--let the church help. * Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. * For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. * Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. * Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy! * The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. * This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. * Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. * This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. * The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. * Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so. * The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. * Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. * Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. * The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. * At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. * During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit. * The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience. * The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens. * The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. * The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. * Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. * Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child. * Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

    Kids View of Marriage and Relationships HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? ------------------------------- "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10 "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? ------------------------------------- "Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10 "No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? -------------------------------------------------- "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, 6 "You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? -------------------------------------------------- "Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? ---------------------------------- "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8. "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? -------------------------------------------------------- "I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE? ------------------------------- "When they're rich." Pam, age 7 "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7 "The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? -------------------------------------- "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, 9 "Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? -------------------------------------------------------------- "There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8 "You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7 HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? ----------------------------------- "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10

    The Herpies Priest One day a lady went into a confesional and said to the father. Father I called a man a son of a bitch. can i be forgiven. The father then replied what did he do to you. She retold the story. I was walking down the street when a man came up to me and grabed my ass. the preist interupts and grabs her ass and says "Like this" she says "yes just like that" the priest replies well that is no reason to call him a son of a bitch." So she went on then he grabed my breast. is it ok now. Like this said the priest as he grabbed her breast. Yes just like that. Is it ok now. No replied the priest. She then proceeded. Then he stuck his dick in my pussy. Like this replied the priest, as he stuck his dick in her pussy. Yes she said. Is it ok now. No that is still no reason to call him a son of a bitch. She then told him the last part. Then he told me he had herpies. The priest replied "why that son of a bitch!"

    Is It Ok Now? One day a lady went into a confesional and said to the father, "Father I called a man a 'son of a bitch.'" The father then replied, "What did he do to you?" She retold the story. I was walking down the street when a man came up to me and grabbed my ass. The preist interrupts, grabs her ass and says, "Like this?" She says, "Yes just like that." The priest replies, "Well that is no reason to call him a son of a bitch." So she continued wit the story. "Then he grabbed my breast." "Like this?" said the priest as he grabbed her breast. "Yes, just like that. Is what I did ok now?" "No." replied the priest. She then proceeded. "Then he stuck his penis in me." "Like this?" replied the priest, as he stuck his duplicated the act. "Yes." she said. "Is what I did ok now?" "No, that is still no reason to call him a son of a bitch" replied the priest. She then told him the last part. "Then he told me he had herpies." The priest replied "Why that son of a bitch!"

    You are a Statue A woman and her lover are in bed together when suddenly, her husband comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder. "Don't move! You're a statue!" she says. The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she. The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the 'statue' and says, "Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!"

    The Bike A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of Heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike."

    Never hire a man to do a woman\'s job Never hire a man to do a woman's job ....... A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home." Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman....... She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

    Together at Last Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me father, but you do mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs."

    Holiday in Pakistan This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come indo my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, and ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!

    101 Ways to be annoying 1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..." 5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. 7. Speak only in a "robot" voice. 8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. 9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub". 10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies. 11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 12. Sniffle incessantly. 13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. 14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training." 18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace". 19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot." 20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol. 21. Practice making fax and modem noises. 22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss. 23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. 25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person." 26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." 27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control. 28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. 29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." 34. Drum on every available surface. 35. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates. 37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings. 38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks. 39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. 40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. 41. Set alarms for random times. 42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. 43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving. 44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 45. Honk and wave to strangers. 46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange. 47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. 48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. 49. Wear your pants backwards. 50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" 52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. 53. only type in lowercase. 54. dont use any punctuation either 55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 56. Pay for your dinner with pennies. 57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. 58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. 59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. 60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories. 61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now." 62. Light road flares on a birthday cake. 63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. 64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. 65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador." 66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. 67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. 68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One." 69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. 71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. 72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. 73. Drive half a block. 74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. 75. Ask people what gender they are. 76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back. 77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl. 78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". 79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. 80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet. 81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. 82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. 83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a." 84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. 86. Wear a LOT of cologne. 87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing." 88. Sing along at the opera. 89. Mow your lawn with scissors. 90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!" 91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend." 92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." 94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture." 95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. 96. Never make eye contact. 97. Never break eye contact. 98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. 99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. 100. Make appointments for the 31st of September. 101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

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